Narrator: At that very moment, time stopped, as it was wont to do when present, past and future collide; when one's existence ceases to be measured in days, hours and minutes, but instead in immeasurable quantity of life events. For Lily and Vivian Charles, the reappearance of a daughter and niece was the life event that would eventually overshadow a thirty-year-old betrayal and result in a splash of water, the roar of a crowd, and a whirlwind tour around the world--twice. Private investigator Emerson Cod would experience a life event, when life found him through the pages of a pop-up book and he was reunited with his own little gumshoe.

Narrator: In less then sixteen seconds, the dead girl who was not dead would be involved in the smallest of ironic coincidences, for just as she said to herself...
Chuck: I wish I were where the action were at.
Narrator: ...she was where it were at.
[Door opens in the Pie Hole]
Chuck: Sorry, we're closing early today.
[Chuck sees Vivian attempting to get through the door while her umbrella gets caught; Chuck then runs, jumps and rolls over the counter to avoid being sighted]
Narrator: Her Aunt Vivian, who would've dropped dead from shock of seeing her niece alive again...
Vivian: Hello?
Narrator: ...arrived again.

Narrator: Oh! Hell no!

Narrator: One mile to the west, Emerson Cod was also not thrilled. During times of stress or anxiety, he liked to knit. Since the arrival of the dead girl who was not dead, he found the stockinette stitch relaxing.

Narrator: Sometimes a crime of passion is not realizing the passion in time. While other times the crime is not seeing the world as it is. But most crimes of passion are actually a crime.

Narrator: The pie-maker considered how not telling Chuck the truth about her father was a lot like being locked in a prison. Then he considered how being locked in a prison was actually much worse than some silly metaphor about truth.

Narrator: The pie-maker helped his friends in need. Not by pretending he was something he was not but by embracing the very thing he always was. It gave him a feeling of joy he would later liken to leaping tall buildings in a single bound.

Ned: [Having just been threatened by Chuck's father, whom he recently brought back to life] Hate to contradict you, Charles, but nobody in the village was after Doctor Frankenstein; they were after his monster.

Ned: [stares at a squirrel waiting for it to die, when a dead bird falls from the sky] It's raining dead birds.

Ned: Could I just say that I know you can take care of yourself. When you moved out I panicked because I thought everything was changing...
Chuck: Everything is changing.
Ned: Way to ruin a good apology.
Chuck: What is so terrible about starting fresh?
Ned: Because starting fresh means something else is ending stale. Chuck, who I destroyed Play-Doh cities with; Chuck, my best friend, my first kiss; I don't want that to change.
Chuck: Yeah, and I'm also Chuck, who went on a pleasure cruise and got a plastic bag put over her head.
Ned: That's not as much fun to remember.
Chuck: But it happened, and when it was happening I was thinking... well, actually I was thinking "Son of a bitch, why did I have to go get ice for my ginger ale?" but, really I was thinking "I finally get to live my own life and it's already over" ...And then you, you came and you gave me another chance.
Ned: So it's my fault.
Chuck: My first time around I was terrified of change and I'm not going to make that mistake again; I can't.

Ned: Could that have happened to me on the roof? Could I have be swarmed? ...In my underwear too. I could've been swarmed in my underwear.
Emerson: Hey, you don't just get to put them pictures in my head. That's an assault on my imagination.

Ned: I can't catch her, Emerson.
Emerson: Can't suck on her toes, neither. Some women like that.

Ned: Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.
Emerson: [sarcastically] Oh, hang on a second, let me ask the money.
[Emerson makes his hand a telephone]
Emerson: Hey money, it's me, Emerson.
[Ned rolls his eyes]
Emerson: I'm good, I'm good. Yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you, even though you was Olive's money first? Uh huh.
Ned: Wait.
Emerson: [laughs] Yeah, okay then. Thanks. [laughs again] The money don't care. Touch him.

Ned: The police wrestled little Hallie Hundin to the ground and she's small: it was like a lion taking down a baby zebra.
Chuck: And we were awful tourists sitting safe in our camouflaged SUV watching the injustice.

Ned: The truth is that there are a lot of people like you, us, with strange hobbies or talents or gifts and we try to hide it because we're afraid that it makes us seem weird or it will turn people off, but that's a mistake. What makes me unique has brought every person I love into my life.