Randy: You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing nearly put my eye out.
Earl: Well, you shouldn't have stood so close. You knew what time it was.

Scott: I'm proving my love to you.
Tess: By burning a swastika in my yard?
Earl: Dammit. [tries to stomp out the fire, then his shoe gets kicked into black guy's window; black guy throws it back out]
Black Guy: WE'RE NOT MOVING!

Shelly Stoker: I just can't believe you were married to Joy Darville. I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years!

Stuart: If we have to kill anyone I say we kill the hooker.
Patty: Why me?
Stuart: Hookers die everyday. You're living off borrowed time.

Wally: I don't care if that prize comes with a talking pet monkey. It's not worth turning myself into a pansy!
Earl: [narrating] I knew something was wrong because no self-respecting man would ever turn down a talking monkey.

Woody: People who say "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.

Xena: You takin' all those rolls to Mr. Patrick's house? Ha. He goes through a lot of toilet paper because he's so full of crap! Yesss!

[A cop goes to Club Chubby's per a police complaint]
Cop: What is the problem here, ladies?
Catalina: The problem is, officer, that this perra stole my regular!
Cop: Alright, alright! Now let's hear Perra's side of the story.
Dancer: He's my regular now! You weren't around! A man's got needs, and I got everything he needs [smacks butt] right here, okay?!
Cop: What's your side of the story, sir?
Nescobar: I don't know why they're fighting! They have both sat on my lap, they are both now my wives.
Cop: Sir, just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her!
Catalina: You shouldn't even sit on a man's lap; you'll break his legs.
Dancer: [Looks confused]
Catalina: I'm calling you fat.
Dancer: Oh, you should not have explained that!
Nescobar: Wives, wives! I have enough seed for both of you. The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.
Catalina: See? He called you thick!
[The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]
Cop: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! Let's see where this goes.
Club Announcer: [V/O] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table!

[Albie has tricked his father and the police into thinking Earl and Randy kidnapped him.]
Albie: [shouting] They said they'll kill me if you don't give us pizza!
Randy: Hey, tell them we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni.

[An inmate walks up to Randy]
Inmate: So you actually know Tim Stack? [Randy nods] Wow, he's funny. I'd like to kidnap him, spend some time with him and maybe set him on fire.
Randy: Yeah, he would be funny on fire.
[Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]
Randy: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire.
Inmate: Set him on fire watch him burn to death.
Together: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire, set him on fire watch him burn to death, Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire!

[Earl believes Joy told Darnell that they had sex but she has told him Earl slept with his mother]
Earl: Come on, Crabman, you know how she is! You can't be that surprised! [is punched by Darnell] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened. We used to do it all the time! [is punched again] Come on, Crabman, I didn't get mad when you slept with her! [is punched and knocked to the floor]
Darnell: You take that back! I've never had sexual relations with my moms!

[Earl has discovered that his friend, Sweet Johnny is attempting suicide.]
Earl: Sweet Johnny, what are you doin'?
Sweet Johnny: Endin' it. If this is my life and that's Sheila's ass, I don't wanna go on.

[Earl is afraid to get a vaccination needed to enter Catalina's country]
Randy: [Throws down Earl's list] Fine, you do what you want.
Earl: [Bending down to pick up the list] I'm sorry Randy, I just think there's a better way to--
[Randy sticks the syringe in Earl's butt]
Earl: [squeaks] Son of a bitch, how did I not see that coming?

[Earl is representing his father in a debate for an election to be mayor.]
Rhonda Gibbs: Mr. Hickey, your views on transport infastructure?
[Earl looks blankly at her, but eventually starts talking.]
Earl: One time, my dad made a driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. But that's another story.

[Earl's complaining to Randy about Joy giving birth to Darnell's baby]
Earl: We could walk round the mall and no one would stare, but now they will. I'm a clown, Randy. I'm a damn clown.
Randy: But people like clowns. Hey, wait a second, if we all paint our faces up to look like clowns all the time then no one would know that Earl Jr. wasn't yours. Can we, Earl? Can we paint our faces like clowns?
Earl: Randy, we're not painting our faces like clowns. People'd still stare, and when it rains we'd be screwed.