Earl: [narrating] You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a "Tall Boy" at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I really am instead of just stereotyping me, because of the way I look... well, you'd be wasting your time. 'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that's not nailed down.

Earl: Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your momma parks your house!

Donny: I got a tattoo of Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom. Wanna see?

Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
Randy: How many have you seen?
Catalina: About five or so.

Randy: You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing nearly put my eye out.
Earl: Well, you shouldn't have stood so close. You knew what time it was.

Earl: Karma. You gotta love it!

Randy: Yeah, I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...

Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.
Earl: [narrating] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.
Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

Candy Stoker: But Mom, I want to be a doctor!
Shelly Stoker: Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy!

Shelly Stoker: I just can't believe you were married to Joy Darville. I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years!

Scott: I'm proving my love to you.
Tess: By burning a swastika in my yard?
Earl: Dammit. [tries to stomp out the fire, then his shoe gets kicked into black guy's window; black guy throws it back out]
Black Guy: WE'RE NOT MOVING!

Earl: Now, before I forget, is there anything else I need to fix?
Tess: Uhh... I used my hand on a guy a little.
Earl: [a little high-pitched] Yeah, I don't know how to un-ring that bell!

Randy: If I check McNuggeted do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

[Earl believes Joy told Darnell that they had sex but she has told him Earl slept with his mother]
Earl: Come on, Crabman, you know how she is! You can't be that surprised! [is punched by Darnell] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened. We used to do it all the time! [is punched again] Come on, Crabman, I didn't get mad when you slept with her! [is punched and knocked to the floor]
Darnell: You take that back! I've never had sexual relations with my moms!

[Earl is representing his father in a debate for an election to be mayor.]
Rhonda Gibbs: Mr. Hickey, your views on transport infastructure?
[Earl looks blankly at her, but eventually starts talking.]
Earl: One time, my dad made a driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. But that's another story.