Private Shirley: Sir!
General Shirley: Yes?
Private Shirley: News from the Western Front, sir!
General Shirley: Yes, what is it?
Private Shirley: The enemy attacked at dawn, sir.
General Shirley: Yes, how was it?
Private Shirley: Well... the enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir. And they had fairy wands with big stars on the end, and...
General Shirley: They what?!
Private Shirley: They had spiders in matchboxes, sir!
General Shirley: Good God! How did our chaps react?
Private Shirley: Well, they... they were jolly interested, sir! Some of them, I think it was the Fourth Armoured Brigade, they...
General Shirley: Yes?
Private Shirley: Well, they went and had a look at the spiders, sir!

Psychiatrist Milkman: Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you're badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now, I'm not going to say that a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.

Radio Announcer: That was Part 2 of the death of Mary Queen of Scots; adapted for the radio. And now, Radio Four will explode. [intreval music plays until the radio suddenly combusts]
Pepperpot 1: We'll have to watch the telly then.
Pepperpot 2: Yes.
Pepperpot 1: Well, what's on the television then?
Pepperpot 2: Looks like a penguin.
Pepperpot 1: No, no, no, no! I didn't mean 'what's on the television set?' I meant 'what program?'
Pepperpot 2: Oh.
Pepperpot 2: Funny that penguin being there, isn't it? What's it doing there?
Pepperpot 1: Standing.
Pepperpot 2: I can see that!
Pepperpot 1: If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the television set.
Pepperpot 2: We'll have to watch that. Unless it's a male.
Pepperpot 1: Ooh, I hadn't thought of that.
Pepperpot 2: Yes. Looks fairly butch.
Pepperpot 1: Perhaps it comes from next door.
Pepperpot 2: Penguins don't come from next door; they come from the Antarctic!
Pepperpot 1: BURMA!
Pepperpot 2: Why'd you say "Burma"?
Pepperpot 1: I panicked.
Pepperpot 2: Perhaps it's from the zoo.
Pepperpot 1: Which zoo?
Pepperpot 2: How should I know which zoo? I'm not Doctor Bloody Bernofsky!
Pepperpot 1: How does Doctor Bernofsky know which zoo it came from?
Pepperpot 2: He knows everything.
Pepperpot 1: Ooh, I wouldn't like that. It'd take all the mystery out of life. Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it'd have 'Property of the Zoo' stamped on it.
Pepperpot 2: No it wouldn't. They don't stamp animals 'Property of the Zoo'! You couldn't stamp a huge lion!
Pepperpot 1: They stamp them when they're small.
Pepperpot 2: What happens when they moult?
Pepperpot 1: Lions don't moult!
Pepperpot 2: No, but penguins do. There! I've run rings around you, logically.
Pepperpot 1: Oh, intercourse the penguin!

Reg: Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all--I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!
[Three men in red uniforms burst through the door]
Cardinal Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Reporter: This morning, shortly after 11:00, comedy struck this little house on Dibley Road. Sudden...violent...comedy.

Reverend Arthur Belling: There are a great many people in the country today, who through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane, while others became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like us, who are out of our tiny minds, to help them overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways, with ping pong ball eyes and a funny voice, and then perhaps paint half of your body red and their other half green, and then stand in a bowl of treacle going "SQWAK SQWAK SQWAK!" Finally, you can roll around on the floor going "p'ting p'ting p'ting!"
Announcer: The Reverend Arthur Belling is vicar at the St. Loony Up the Cream Bun and Jam.

Reverend Gumby: I believe in peace, and bashing two bricks together!

Roger Last: Good evening. Tonight on 'Is There' we examine the question, 'Is there a life after death?' And here to discuss it are three dead people.

Sailor 1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
Sailor 2: That's a rather personal question, sir.
Sailor 1: You stupid git! I meant 'how long have we been in the lifeboat?' You've spoiled the atmosphere!
Sailor 2: Sorry, sir.
Sailor 1: Shut up! We'll have to start again. Still no sign of land. How long is it?
Sailor 2: 33 days, sir.
Sailor 3: 33 days?
Sailor 2: I don't think we can hold out much longer. I don't think I did spoil the atmosphere that time.
Sailor 1: Shut up!
Sailor 2: Well, I don't think I did!
Sailor 1: Of course you did!
Sailor 1: Do you think I spoiled the atmosphere?
Sailor 3: Yes, I think you did.
Sailor 1: Look, shut up! Shut up! Still no sign of land. How long is it?
Sailor 2: 33 days, sir.
Sailor 4: Have we started again?
Undertaker Sketch

Scientist: If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it was!

Silly Reverend: We at the Church of the Divine Loony believe in the power of prayer to turn the face purple!

Spanish TV Host: "Pero las llamas son peligrosas. Si usted ve una llama donde hay gente? nadando, usted gritar: ¡Cuidado! ¡Llamas!" ["Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one where people are swimming, you shout: Look out, there are Llamas!"]
The Lumberjack Song

Superintendant Praline: Now, this item, "Crunchy Frog". Am I to understand there's a real frog in here?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: Yes, a little one.
Superintendant Praline: What sort of frog?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: A dead frog.
Superintendant Praline: Is it cooked?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: No.
Superintendant Praline: What, a raw frog?!
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Superintendant Praline: That's as may be -- it's still a frog! Do you even take the bones out?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

Superman One: Oh look... is it a stockbroker?
Superman Two: Is it a quantity Surveyor?
Superman Three: Is it a church warden?
All Supermen: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!

Surgeon: Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong.
Series 2