Monk quotes
0 total quotes[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]
Natasia Lovara: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.
[Floppy the clown motions Randy out]
Adrian Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down... [Natasia looks smug] Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it. [The smug look fades.] You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Floppy the Clown: [makes honking sound, mimes drawing a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]
Floppy the Clown: For what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!
[Natasia manages to kick Monk in the shins and starts to make her getaway]
Natasia Lovara: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.
[Floppy the clown motions Randy out]
Adrian Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down... [Natasia looks smug] Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it. [The smug look fades.] You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Floppy the Clown: [makes honking sound, mimes drawing a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]
Floppy the Clown: For what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!
[Natasia manages to kick Monk in the shins and starts to make her getaway]
[Monk thinks that comatose Brian Babbage is the killer]
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who? [Monk indicates comatose Brian] Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who? [Monk indicates comatose Brian] Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!
[Monk tries to find an article in a Sapphire nude magazine, but after seeing its other contents, he looks away, humming nervously]
Diane Luden: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona Fleming: He is now.
Diane Luden: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona Fleming: He is now.
[Monk tries to recreate the murder of Susan Malloy, and has Sharona play the victim]
Sharona Fleming: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.
Sharona Fleming: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.
[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, just suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, just suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.
[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
Monk: What am I going to eat and drink?
Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?
Monk: What am I going to eat and drink?
Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the scene of the store clerk's death]
Adrian Monk: When did it happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [to Randy] Along with your letter in it to me.
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't to you!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of the bottle that Vicki Salinas used as the murder weapon]
Adrian Monk: No prints on the bottle?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nothing yet.
Adrian Monk: Surveillance camera?
Lt. Randall Disher: Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, this was no robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But the killer took the money.
Adrian Monk: The killer wants us to think robbery. But why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank.
Adrian Monk: No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. [points at the bottle] Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well how do you know the victim wasn't drinking it? He worked at the Stop 'n Go.
Adrian Monk: That's true. [Sharona examines the bottle]
Sharona Fleming: It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle. [Monk and Stottlemeyer squat and see some lipstick towards the bottom of the bottle]
Adrian Monk: How did I miss that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's stronger and smarter than you.
Adrian Monk: When did it happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [to Randy] Along with your letter in it to me.
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't to you!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of the bottle that Vicki Salinas used as the murder weapon]
Adrian Monk: No prints on the bottle?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nothing yet.
Adrian Monk: Surveillance camera?
Lt. Randall Disher: Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, this was no robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But the killer took the money.
Adrian Monk: The killer wants us to think robbery. But why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank.
Adrian Monk: No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. [points at the bottle] Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well how do you know the victim wasn't drinking it? He worked at the Stop 'n Go.
Adrian Monk: That's true. [Sharona examines the bottle]
Sharona Fleming: It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle. [Monk and Stottlemeyer squat and see some lipstick towards the bottom of the bottle]
Adrian Monk: How did I miss that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's stronger and smarter than you.
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a body shop to arrest a businessman named Malcolm Cowley for a hit-and-run death]
Malcolm Cowley: Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was reading about you in the newspaper. [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley] That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes: first you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
Malcolm Cowley: That's right. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. [turns to a front page article] "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Turn around. Put your hands on the car. [Cowley complies and Stottlemeyer handcuffs him] You sir, are under arrest, for vehicular manslaughter, leaving the scene of a crime, and for the murder of Nestor Alvarez. Come with me. [He starts to lead Cowley away]
Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? Monk, we've got him dead to rights.
Adrian Monk: He is guilty of the hit-and-run, but he didn't kill the paperboy. He didn't know who I was. There is something else in this newspaper, something I'm missing. [He drops the newspaper, disgusted, realizing that he has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
Malcolm Cowley: Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was reading about you in the newspaper. [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley] That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes: first you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
Malcolm Cowley: That's right. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. [turns to a front page article] "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Turn around. Put your hands on the car. [Cowley complies and Stottlemeyer handcuffs him] You sir, are under arrest, for vehicular manslaughter, leaving the scene of a crime, and for the murder of Nestor Alvarez. Come with me. [He starts to lead Cowley away]
Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? Monk, we've got him dead to rights.
Adrian Monk: He is guilty of the hit-and-run, but he didn't kill the paperboy. He didn't know who I was. There is something else in this newspaper, something I'm missing. [He drops the newspaper, disgusted, realizing that he has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[Monk recoils from a fireblower, but keeps on moving]
Lt. Randall Disher: [laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Ooh! You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen your comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: Where do we start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
Adrian Monk: You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[Monk recoils from a fireblower, but keeps on moving]
Lt. Randall Disher: [laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Ooh! You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen your comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: Where do we start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
Adrian Monk: You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]
[Nikolai Petroff is being questioned at the police station]
Adrian Monk: A leopard and panther wrangler.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lt. Randall Disher: He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good. [Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Hmm. He's left-handed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
Adrian Monk: What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Adrian Monk: Says who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
Adrian Monk: I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: She's got a bad temper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A bad temper with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: You keep coming back to the foot!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
Adrian Monk: That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? [Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs] There's only one reason - to prove... [Monk looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]...prove that she couldn't. [She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Sharona Fleming: Suck it up!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're fine.
Sharona Fleming: Fine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: [glances at his notepad] Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City. [enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over] She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin. [We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but she fails to grab the next performer's legs and falls to the ground] You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet [She hits the ground, writhing in pain, terrifying the crowd], in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.
Adrian Monk: Ahem. She missed the net?
Lt. Randall Disher: She never used a net.
Adrian Monk: She go to the hospital?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
Adrian Monk: So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine. [walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're welcome. [Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
Adrian Monk: You want to finish it? [Stottlemeyer walks up to the, and takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
Sharona Fleming: We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
Adrian Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
Sharona Fleming: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!
Adrian Monk: A leopard and panther wrangler.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lt. Randall Disher: He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good. [Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Hmm. He's left-handed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
Adrian Monk: What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Adrian Monk: Says who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
Adrian Monk: I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: She's got a bad temper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A bad temper with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: You keep coming back to the foot!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
Adrian Monk: That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? [Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs] There's only one reason - to prove... [Monk looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]...prove that she couldn't. [She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Sharona Fleming: Suck it up!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're fine.
Sharona Fleming: Fine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: [glances at his notepad] Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City. [enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over] She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin. [We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but she fails to grab the next performer's legs and falls to the ground] You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet [She hits the ground, writhing in pain, terrifying the crowd], in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.
Adrian Monk: Ahem. She missed the net?
Lt. Randall Disher: She never used a net.
Adrian Monk: She go to the hospital?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
Adrian Monk: So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine. [walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're welcome. [Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
Adrian Monk: You want to finish it? [Stottlemeyer walks up to the, and takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
Sharona Fleming: We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
Adrian Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
Sharona Fleming: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!
[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Nikolai Petroff, as he tends to one of the leopards]
Lt. Randall Disher: Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Who's asking? [Disher flashes his badge]
Lt. Randall Disher: This shiny little piece of metal's asking. Are you Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Are you trying to scare me, huh? This pussycat weighs a couple of hundred pounds. It could rip me apart in a heartbeat! I ain't scared of her. [laughs] You think I'm scared of you? [Stottlemeyer steps in front of Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. You may not be scared of the Lieutenant, but you've got plenty of reason to be scared of me, 'cause I got a little cage like that downtown. It's not much bigger than that, actually, and it's not a whole lot friendlier, and if you obstruct my investigation, sir, for one moment further, you're going to spend some time in it. What's your name?
Nikolai Petroff: Yeah, okay. I'm Nikolai Petroff. Can we make this fast? I have a show in thirty minutes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not going to cancel the show after what happened?
Nikolai Petroff: Most people around here are celebrating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really? I take it Sergei wasn't very well-liked?
Nikolai Petroff: Not by me. Well, it's no secret. You're going to find out anyway. Until last week, I was with Ariana.
Lt. Randall Disher: The woman he was with last night.
Nikolai Petroff: To hell with both of them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is it you do around here?
Nikolai Petroff: I'm a wrangler. Anton the Great goes into the cage. I watch his back.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You watch his back, so you've got a gun in case there's a problem.
Nikolai Petroff: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that gun's a .454 Ruger Casull?
Nikolai Petroff: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can we see it, please?
[He pulls down the tarp of his case and notice that someone has smashed the lock]
Nikolai Petroff: What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know?
Nikolai Petroff: I swear to God I checked it last night. [He goes for the trunk, but Randy steps in and takes over. He bends down, and with an orchestrated manuever to barely touch the sides to avoid prints, he pops the trunk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, sir, just step back, please. [The spot for the gun is empty. All that is present is an indentation in the shape of a revolver]
Nikolai Petroff: Where is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was hoping you could tell me. Phone it in, get S.I.D. down here right away. You, sir, are going to have to find somebody else to feed your kitty cat. You're coming with me.
Lt. Randall Disher: Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Who's asking? [Disher flashes his badge]
Lt. Randall Disher: This shiny little piece of metal's asking. Are you Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Are you trying to scare me, huh? This pussycat weighs a couple of hundred pounds. It could rip me apart in a heartbeat! I ain't scared of her. [laughs] You think I'm scared of you? [Stottlemeyer steps in front of Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. You may not be scared of the Lieutenant, but you've got plenty of reason to be scared of me, 'cause I got a little cage like that downtown. It's not much bigger than that, actually, and it's not a whole lot friendlier, and if you obstruct my investigation, sir, for one moment further, you're going to spend some time in it. What's your name?
Nikolai Petroff: Yeah, okay. I'm Nikolai Petroff. Can we make this fast? I have a show in thirty minutes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not going to cancel the show after what happened?
Nikolai Petroff: Most people around here are celebrating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really? I take it Sergei wasn't very well-liked?
Nikolai Petroff: Not by me. Well, it's no secret. You're going to find out anyway. Until last week, I was with Ariana.
Lt. Randall Disher: The woman he was with last night.
Nikolai Petroff: To hell with both of them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is it you do around here?
Nikolai Petroff: I'm a wrangler. Anton the Great goes into the cage. I watch his back.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You watch his back, so you've got a gun in case there's a problem.
Nikolai Petroff: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that gun's a .454 Ruger Casull?
Nikolai Petroff: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can we see it, please?
[He pulls down the tarp of his case and notice that someone has smashed the lock]
Nikolai Petroff: What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know?
Nikolai Petroff: I swear to God I checked it last night. [He goes for the trunk, but Randy steps in and takes over. He bends down, and with an orchestrated manuever to barely touch the sides to avoid prints, he pops the trunk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, sir, just step back, please. [The spot for the gun is empty. All that is present is an indentation in the shape of a revolver]
Nikolai Petroff: Where is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was hoping you could tell me. Phone it in, get S.I.D. down here right away. You, sir, are going to have to find somebody else to feed your kitty cat. You're coming with me.
[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
Adrian Monk: You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
Ron Abrash: What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"
Adrian Monk: You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
Ron Abrash: What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"
[Stottlemeyer notices Randy looking down into one of the air cannons]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Lt. Randall Disher: Bingo!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What exactly does "bingo" mean, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: We got the murder weapon. .454 Ruger Casull. [Stottlemeyer opens the side cabinet to the cannon, as a bewildered Randy looks up at him with his flashlight. In embarrassment he turns it off. The captain reaches in with a handkerchief, grabs the revolver by its trigger, and smells it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now, that's been fired recently.
Lt. Randall Disher: Any prints?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope, it's been oiled down. How'd it get in there?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's the backup cannon. The cannonball guy says anybody could have dropped it in. They haven't used it in a week. [The cannonball man is giving Randy an aggravated look, they being very impatient]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Backup cannon? Good lord! Get that down to ballistics. Put it on the fast track. [He gives the gun to another detective behind him and closes the hatch]
Cannonball Guy: Excuse me. Are you guys about done?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, could you step back? This is official police business!
Cannonball Guy: Maybe I should come to your office and root through your stuff! How'd you like that, huh? [Randy just glares angrily off into space as Stottlemeyer walks over to him]
Lt. Randall Disher: I hate that cannonball!!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Lt. Randall Disher: Bingo!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What exactly does "bingo" mean, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: We got the murder weapon. .454 Ruger Casull. [Stottlemeyer opens the side cabinet to the cannon, as a bewildered Randy looks up at him with his flashlight. In embarrassment he turns it off. The captain reaches in with a handkerchief, grabs the revolver by its trigger, and smells it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now, that's been fired recently.
Lt. Randall Disher: Any prints?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope, it's been oiled down. How'd it get in there?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's the backup cannon. The cannonball guy says anybody could have dropped it in. They haven't used it in a week. [The cannonball man is giving Randy an aggravated look, they being very impatient]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Backup cannon? Good lord! Get that down to ballistics. Put it on the fast track. [He gives the gun to another detective behind him and closes the hatch]
Cannonball Guy: Excuse me. Are you guys about done?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, could you step back? This is official police business!
Cannonball Guy: Maybe I should come to your office and root through your stuff! How'd you like that, huh? [Randy just glares angrily off into space as Stottlemeyer walks over to him]
Lt. Randall Disher: I hate that cannonball!!
[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on the transportation union's headquarters]
Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.
Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?
Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.
Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.
Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?
Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.
[Stottlemeyer shooes away an officer with mismatched socks]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.
Adrian Monk: Did he understand?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.
Sharona Fleming: Can we just focus on the work now?
Adrian Monk: OK.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]
Adrian Monk: From here? What is that, thirty feet?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.
Lt. Randall Disher: Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]
Adrian Monk: [incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
Lt. Randall Disher: They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
Adrian Monk: And who was the victim?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.
Adrian Monk: Table's set for two. Who was his date?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]
Adrian Monk: The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right. What's that mean?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. What about the cashier?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.
Lt. Randall Disher: Or it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Adrian Monk: Wood shavings.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wood shavings?
Adrian Monk: Sawdust?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]
Adrian Monk: What happened next?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
Lt. Randall Disher: No pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]
Adrian Monk: What pun is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because of the alley.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] ��and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
[Monk looks on]
Adrian Monk: Is there a circus in town?
Lt. Randall Disher: A circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
Lt. Randall Disher: We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Master of ceremonies?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, the ringmaster.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At the circus?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.
Adrian Monk: Did he understand?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.
Sharona Fleming: Can we just focus on the work now?
Adrian Monk: OK.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]
Adrian Monk: From here? What is that, thirty feet?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.
Lt. Randall Disher: Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]
Adrian Monk: [incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
Lt. Randall Disher: They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
Adrian Monk: And who was the victim?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.
Adrian Monk: Table's set for two. Who was his date?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]
Adrian Monk: The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right. What's that mean?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. What about the cashier?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.
Lt. Randall Disher: Or it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Adrian Monk: Wood shavings.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wood shavings?
Adrian Monk: Sawdust?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]
Adrian Monk: What happened next?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
Lt. Randall Disher: No pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]
Adrian Monk: What pun is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because of the alley.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] ��and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
[Monk looks on]
Adrian Monk: Is there a circus in town?
Lt. Randall Disher: A circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
Lt. Randall Disher: We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Master of ceremonies?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, the ringmaster.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At the circus?