Monk quotes
0 total quotesCaptain Stottlemeyer: [after Monk gives him an air purifier] Do you um, know what eBay is?
Adrian Monk: eBay? No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.
Adrian Monk: eBay? No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Doctor. Now, if Biederbeck is too big to get out of the room, how'd he get there in the first place? He's like a ship in a bottle.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: Well, when he first bought the apartment, he weighed a mere 422 pounds. He could still walk. On a good day, he could see his toes. Then his mother died, and he had a complete breakdown. He started bingeing. He would call restaurants and order everything on the menu. He topped out at 927 pounds. That was a decade ago. He has not left the room since.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it's just not possible.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: Well, when he first bought the apartment, he weighed a mere 422 pounds. He could still walk. On a good day, he could see his toes. Then his mother died, and he had a complete breakdown. He started bingeing. He would call restaurants and order everything on the menu. He topped out at 927 pounds. That was a decade ago. He has not left the room since.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it's just not possible.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're denying any involvement in the kidnapping of Mrs. Parlo?
Ron Abrash: Of course I deny it! Demanding free turkey dinners? That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.
Ron Abrash: Of course I deny it! Demanding free turkey dinners? That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Randall Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Randall Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer...
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]
Dexter Larsen: [about his life before publishing Sapphire] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to.
Sharona Fleming: You still are.
Sharona Fleming: You still are.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Adrian Monk: God help her.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Adrian Monk: God help her.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: So you're a nurse?
Sharona Fleming: Mmm, I was.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: Where did you intern?
Sharona Fleming: Modesto General.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: So you knew Michelle Bletched?
Sharona Fleming: Oh, oh, my God, yes. [She and Dr. Vezza laugh] �The Wretched Miss Bletched��.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: [in falsetto] Attention, everyone! Attention! This is not a drill!
Sharona Fleming: God.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: [imitating Katharine Hepburn in falsetto] Yes, you should hear my Katharine Hepburn.
Sharona Fleming: That's very good. Very good.
Sharona Fleming: Mmm, I was.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: Where did you intern?
Sharona Fleming: Modesto General.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: So you knew Michelle Bletched?
Sharona Fleming: Oh, oh, my God, yes. [She and Dr. Vezza laugh] �The Wretched Miss Bletched��.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: [in falsetto] Attention, everyone! Attention! This is not a drill!
Sharona Fleming: God.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: [imitating Katharine Hepburn in falsetto] Yes, you should hear my Katharine Hepburn.
Sharona Fleming: That's very good. Very good.
Granny Parlo: And--and it was raining.
Sharona Fleming: Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week.
Granny Parlo: Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.
Sharona Fleming: Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week.
Granny Parlo: Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.
Jenny Mandeville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.
Joe Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?
Adrian Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.
Adrian Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.
Joe Christie: [indicates the prize mug] What do you think?
Adrian Monk: I think Edna was killed over this mug.
Joe Christie: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.
Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.
Adrian Monk: Joe... [He taps the mug with his pen. It's obviously ceramic]
Joe Christie: Hey, you said try 300 theories until one fits.
Adrian Monk: I said that?
Joe Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.
Adrian Monk: I think Edna was killed over this mug.
Joe Christie: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.
Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.
Adrian Monk: Joe... [He taps the mug with his pen. It's obviously ceramic]
Joe Christie: Hey, you said try 300 theories until one fits.
Adrian Monk: I said that?
Joe Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.
Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.