Adrian Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right.
Adrian Monk: I'm paying you...
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right.
Adrian Monk: ...but you won't tell me.
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Adrian Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

Adrian Monk: I'm afraid... of change... and I'm afraid of not changing...

Adrian Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

Adrian Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.

Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

Adrian Monk: Okay, just for the record, what we just did...
Benjy Fleming: Breaking and entering?
Adrian Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.

Adrian Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

Adrian Monk: Why do you torture me like this?
Sharona Fleming: Because I can.

Benjy: [about Monk] Can I bring him to school? Like, for show and tell?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to pop all of these?
Monk: No choice.
[Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]
Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb--
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!
[He calls two more officers over]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.
[They keep popping for a few seconds.]
Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
Adrian Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready?
Phone Technician: Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long do we need?
Phone Technician: Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Which it will be.
Phone Technician: ...we'll need 45 seconds.
[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]
Julie Parlo: Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Julie Parlo: Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That assistant, she called you.
Sharona Fleming: Mm-hmm. Diane Luden.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I gave her your name. I figured you'd collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I think she might be on to something.
Sharona Fleming: We'd like to look at the official file.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, there is no D'Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
Lt. Randall Disher: He was alone in his apartment on the thirty-fifth floor.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Lt. Randall Disher: There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The apartment was locked from the inside.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna be cooperating on this or not?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you two wanna go tilting at windmills, be my guests. But this time, Monk, you're on your own.
Adrian Monk: Okay, forget it. Let's go. What's our first stop?
Sharona Fleming: Sapphire Mansion. We have an appointment. [This gets Randy's attention]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sapphire Mansion? You have an appointment?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Elliot D'Souza controlled that magazine. He was about to pull the plug on Dexter Larsen. I think Larsen might be involved.
Lt. Randall Disher: Saphhire Mansion. I've never been. Have you ever been?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Once. Ten years ago.
Sharona Fleming: Did your wife find out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I told her. In therapy, we were playing the honesty game.
Lt. Randall Disher: Red Roof Inn?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yup. This was before they built the new lobby.
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, Captain. I think Monk might be on to something. Maybe we should tag along.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I'm married. I'm not dead.
Sharona Fleming: Ugh.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You looking forward to our little party, Alice?
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Uh, I guess so. How long do these things usually last?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM and Terry - Detective Chasen - was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me, Rhonda" in Spanish.
Detective Terry Chasen: That's a lie! I don't speak Spanish!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh yes, you do!
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Oh, and this came for you. Someone dropped this off at the front desk. [hands Stottlemeyer the bottle of port]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reads the card attached to the bottle] "Captain Leland Stottlemeyer." [opens it] "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply." [turns to Alice] You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I think it might work.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because for you every room is a panic room.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.