Charles (addressing the mess tent): Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse; so I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown but rather, pity him.
Everyone (applauding): Yeah!

Charles (addressing three Korean doctors): Now, my diminutive voyeurs, this is the patient, without whom medicine would be just theory. This is the patient's chest; or in more scientific parlance, the front of the back. If there is no bellybutton in the immediate vicinity, you've committed a rather serious faux pas.

Charles (after his French horn is run over): Colonel, what about my horn?
Potter: By all means, Winchester. Bring it along, we'd love to hear it.

Charles (after one-upping Hawkeye and B.J. with a photo of himself having dinner with Audrey Hepburn): When will you two cretins realize that your feeble imaginations cannot keep up with my real life?

Charles (dictating his will into his tape recorder): The morning air is crisp and still. In mere moments, I embark on a military mission which may mark my final hours on this planet. Therefore I leave you with these few parting thoughts. To my dear father, I grant you power of attorney, for the disposition of all my real estate. To my devoted mother, I bestow upon you my proxy with the single proviso that it never be used to vote for Cousin Alfred. To my gentle sister Honoria, I bequeath my butterfly collection. I know you probably don't want it, but Cousin Alfred does. Farewell Cape Cod, farewell Harvard Yard, farewell baked scrod.
(BJ and Hawkeye enter the tent applauding)
BJ: Bravo, bravo.
Charles: Anthropoid boors.
BJ: What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.

Charles (entering the Swamp): Gentlemen.
BJ; Quiet, Charles, I'm looking for the liquor ads.
Hawkeye: I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.
Charles: Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.

Charles (over the PA): Attention all vermin - that's giving you the benefit of the doubt - I have just discovered the untimely disappearance of my May 5 issue of The Boston Globe which has obviously been pilfered by some member of the pernicious race of lowlife which infests this pigmire. Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp above suspicion with the possible exception of that 80% of you who are incapable of reading the English language. Thus, I retract my previous magnanimous offer and none of you cretins will lay one slimy paw on any of my papers until the missing issue is returned! Thank you.

Charles (to Korean, about toothache): What does this cure?
Korean: Hunger. That's my dinner.

Charles (trying to find a place to sleep in Potter's tent): I demand a space for my cot.
Hawkeye (picks up a small box): Hello, room service, send up a larger room.

Charles (while trying to sleep on his cot in Margaret's tent): Margaret, we are both adults.
Margaret: Yes, of the opposite sex!

Charles: (after a Korean foster father confesses to selling Charles' gifts on the black market to buy food for his children) No, it is I who should apologize. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who has had no meal.

Charles: (answering letter): "Dear Virginia, It is with indescribable joy that I accept your gift. It is indeed testimony to the beauty that exists in all creation, but perhaps nowhere more than in a young girl's heart."

Charles: A Winchester only recognizes one 5:30 per day. This is not it.

Charles: Ah, even in the sewer the cream rises to the top.

Charles: Arsenic will solve your problems, Pierce. I know it will solve mine.