Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

Hal: Look out! Paint-a-lanche!!

Hal: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]
Malcolm: [to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.
Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
Dewey: [smiling] Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
[Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]
Hal: If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

Hal: Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? (slams on the brakes while the car behind him honks)
Lois: Good Lord, Hal! He could have a gun!

Hal: Reese, an old woman's purse is a little boy's book bag... if he's European.

Hal: Reese, do you know what empathy is?
Reese: No.
Hal: Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
Reese: Then why would you want empathy?
Hal: [turns away to Lois, stunned] He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!

Hal: Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? God, that was hilarious. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister come to a four-way stop...

Hal: So, Dewey, how was school today?
Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
Hal: Well, did you push him back?
Dewey: No, he's bigger than me.
Hal: Uh-huh... Reese?
Reese: I'm on it.

Hal: That's strange. Why would someone fill this thing with hundreds of hanging bowties?
Malcolm: Those aren't bowties. Those are bats!

Hal: This is good meat loaf. New recipe?
Lois: Nope. Same as it's always been.
Hal: Ah, come on.
Lois: Oh, you know what, I ran out of tomato sauce and used ketchup instead.

Hal: We can hurt him... we can be parents again!

Hal: We need a fridge. We can't store the meat on the porch forever.

Hal:[being administered a DUI test by a highway officer] Z. Y. X. W...

Hal:[goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.
[Reese peeks out jut in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]
Reese: You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.
[The large man pushes him back into the photo booth. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]

Ice Cream Man [to Reese]: That will teach you to mess with me. I was a surgeon in my country.