How I Met Your Mother quotes
324 total quotes[Ted and Robin just recovered Marshall's special turkey and he hugs them.]
Marshall: Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Ted: Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Marshall: Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]
Marshall: Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Ted: Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Marshall: Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]
[Ted chances upon Marshall grilling sausages in the decrepit house he just bought]
Ted: How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Marshall: Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.
Ted: But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
Marshall: I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Ted: Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
Marshall: That's what I'd do.
Ted: Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Marshall: Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]
Future Ted: And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house...(the holes in the wall are fixed and bits and pieces of furniture appear, ending with the Son and Daughter sitting on a couch)...is this house.
Ted: How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Marshall: Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.
Ted: But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
Marshall: I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Ted: Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
Marshall: That's what I'd do.
Ted: Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Marshall: Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]
Future Ted: And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house...(the holes in the wall are fixed and bits and pieces of furniture appear, ending with the Son and Daughter sitting on a couch)...is this house.
[Ted has just asked Marshall and Lily to set him up with a potential wife]
Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?
Ted: Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.
Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!
Ted: Really?
Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue!
Ted: It's the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!
Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?
Ted: Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.
Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!
Ted: Really?
Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue!
Ted: It's the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!
[Ted is declaring himself to Royce in a movie theater, Barney is in the audience]
Barney: Aww go on honey - kiss him! [audience gasps, Ted stares at him]
Future Ted: Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.
Barney: [chanting] Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Future Ted: Still not saying 'kiss'.
Usher: Sir, you need to leave. Now!!
Barney: This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?
Barney: Aww go on honey - kiss him! [audience gasps, Ted stares at him]
Future Ted: Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.
Barney: [chanting] Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Future Ted: Still not saying 'kiss'.
Usher: Sir, you need to leave. Now!!
Barney: This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?
[Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie]
Ted: One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Louis: Maggie?
Ted: Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
Betty: [raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted: No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Jamie: Is she hottie?
Ted: Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
Betty: Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]
Ted: One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Louis: Maggie?
Ted: Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
Betty: [raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted: No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Jamie: Is she hottie?
Ted: Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
Betty: Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]
[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys]
Cindy: I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
Ted: And what does frat guys say to that?
Cindy: [drawls] 'That's hot.'
Ted: [laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
Cindy: Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
Cindy: I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
Ted: So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Cindy: Almost exclusively.
Cindy: I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
Ted: And what does frat guys say to that?
Cindy: [drawls] 'That's hot.'
Ted: [laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
Cindy: Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
Cindy: I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
Ted: So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Cindy: Almost exclusively.
[Ted receives a call]
Ted: Hello?
Old Woman: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted: Yes.
Old Woman: The window is open.
Ted: [pause] What?
Old Woman: The Window...is open!
Ted: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall: What are you waiting for?
Ted: I...I...
Marshall: Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily: Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!
Ted: Hello?
Old Woman: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted: Yes.
Old Woman: The window is open.
Ted: [pause] What?
Old Woman: The Window...is open!
Ted: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall: What are you waiting for?
Ted: I...I...
Marshall: Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily: Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!
[Ted talks about how to move on after a break-up]
Future Ted: Others draw themselves into...
Barney: Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
Marshall: MILSWANCAs?
Ted: Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Barney: Correct! Circle gets the square!
Future Ted: Others draw themselves into...
Barney: Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
Marshall: MILSWANCAs?
Ted: Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Barney: Correct! Circle gets the square!
[Ted tries to convince Barney and Robin to apologize to Marshall and Lily for turning down their Couples Nights]
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right...
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: ...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
Barney: [calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right...
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: ...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
Barney: [calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.
[Ted's briefing Barney about Robin's facial expressions, especially one particular slide]
Ted: But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
Barney: [awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
Ted: [describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.
Ted: But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
Barney: [awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
Ted: [describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.
[Ted's just found out from a college professor that he is in the wrong class]
Student: T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]
Student: T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]
[Ted's mother and her boyfriend, Clint, visits the apartment, but Clint couldn't stop praising Virginia]
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.
[Ted's prepared to embark on the road trip to Gazola's with Marshall]
Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!
Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!
[The gang reads the SNASA con]
Woman: Wow, you're an astronaut?
Barney: [hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
Woman: Wow, SNASA.
Barney: Ah hmm..
Woman: Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Barney: Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to the... Smoon.
Woman: Wow... The Smoon!
[Cuts back to the gang]
Robin: If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.
Woman: Wow, you're an astronaut?
Barney: [hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
Woman: Wow, SNASA.
Barney: Ah hmm..
Woman: Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Barney: Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to the... Smoon.
Woman: Wow... The Smoon!
[Cuts back to the gang]
Robin: If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.
[The gang teases Robin over Don]
Robin: [angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]
Robin: [angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]