Trish: All right. Start with a hundred push-ups!
Marshall: All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?
Trish: A hundred.
Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, "A hundred push-ups." Like, "do a bazillion push-ups." No one can do a hundred.
Trish: [sniffing] Do you smell that?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!

Woman: Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.

Marshall, Ted, Robin and Lily: OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]

[Barney gets the gang a copy of a porn movie starring 'the other' Ted Mosby]
Barney: Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Ted: Terrific.
Barney: [loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.
[DVD plays, showing Lance Hardwood and a woman]

[Barney is in his office, working late. He answers his phone]
Barney: Go for Barney.
Marshall: Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.
Barney: What is it?
Marshall: A new website. Slapcountdown.com
Barney: [Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!

[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?
Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!

[Marshall will not take Robin's skepticism of miracles lightly and narrates one of his own miracle stories]
Marshall: July, 1999, Kennedy airport.
[A flashback to March 1997, when Marshall arrives home from Amsterdam and checks into Immigration at JFK]

[Robin and Barney just had sex]
Robin: Okay, here's the deal, Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.
Barney: Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-click, save as, into the b-peg folder and okay! This never happened. It's a good plan.
Robin: Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.
Barney: Okay.
Robin: [whispering] Okay.
Barney: All right... So Robin?
Robin: Yes Barney?
Barney: Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?

[Robin tearfully laments Simon breaking up with her for Louise Marsh...again]
Robin: I wanted to be sixteen again.
Barney: Robin, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.
Robin: Right, first being you.
Barney: No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

[Ted and Marshall are at the apartment of the gay couple who bought Lily's painting just for the frame]
Ted: Since you're a clearly man of impeccable taste and style, I want to ask you: what do you think of the boots? [shows red cowboy boots]
Lawrence: Walter. [Walter goes out of bedroom] Boots.
Walter: [looks down at boots] Pulling. Them. Off!
Ted: [to Marshall, smiling] I'll be in the cab.

[Ted and Stella agree to have sex, but both are nervous]
Stella: How long's it been for you?
Ted: It's been a while.
Stella: Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!
Ted: It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]
Robin, Lily, and Marshall: [at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!

[Ted confronts Robin over Gael leaving Spanish massage oil on his apartment]
Ted: Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
Ted: You weren't trying to win the breakup?
Robin: I was trying to survive it.

[Ted is furious with Barney over sleeping with Robin and comes to a decision]
Ted: You know what Barney, earlier this week I've been putting some stuff into a box and that box was labeled "Stuff I Have No Use For Anymore."
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: All I'm saying is, maybe you belong in that box.
Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

[Ted's wooing of Stella backfires when he discovers that Abby, her receptionist, likes him]
Robin: [at the bar] Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.
Ted: I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.
Barney: Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.