Marshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.

Marshall: You okay?
Ted: Sure. Why?
Marshall: Ah... I don't know. Girl of your dreams... dating a billionaire.
Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]
Barney: Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.
Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah!
Ted: Okay, you... you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hmm... yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Robin: [She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?
Barney: [Looks up] Horrible.
Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.
Barney: You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." Now ladies...SLUT UP!

Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: [beat] ...your cops are called 'mounties'.

Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It was a cockamouse!
Robin: What?
Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

Sandy Rivers: [to Robin] We should have sex.
Robin: What?
Rivers: Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least I'm good at it, and even if you're not, don't worry. I'll have a good time either way.
Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don't get involved with people I work with.
Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts] Phone number, call me anytime. [reads teleprompter] A lot of teams in action tonight...

Ted: [talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing, but you don't get there unless you play the game.
Marshall: So you gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm 'ASKING HER OUT'. So how do I ask her out... without asking her out?
Lily: Did you guys get high?

Ted: Barney.
Barney: Yeah, what's up?
Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.
Barney: Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!
Ted: "Court Mandated Community Service"??
Robin: Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?
Barney: That's my private personal business!
[flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.]
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!
Ted: You are evil!
Robin: All is right with the world again.

Ted: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Ted: Mary, I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.
Mary: No Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: You're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: No, you're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: [pause] You're a paralegal.

Ted: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!
Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.
Barney: ...we are international businessmen!

Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.

Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?
Not Moby/Erik: Who?
Robin: The recording artist, Moby.
Not Moby/Erik: Oh, no.
Barney: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
Not Moby/Erick: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Not Moby/Erik: No.

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.
Marshall: [staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That is the greatest story ever!