Jill: Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.
Tim: Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?
Jill: No, I'm saying it's your job.

Jill[explaining her trashy romance novels]: I know it seems silly, but some of these are very well-written.
Tim: Really? [reading from the book, in a deep voice] Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the STAIRS, to a NIGHT, of ETERNAL ECSTASY! Oh, PLEASE!
Jill[embarassed]: Okay, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.
Tim: Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.
[Tim has just dropped a heavy trunk in the garage, and is moaning in pain]

Karen: Do you move to New York or Seattle?
Tim: I think a lot depends on where you'll be living.

Mark: Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?
Tim: I don't think I'm EVER going to the bathroom again.
Mark: What happened?
Tim[strained]: I pulled my GROIN!
Mark: What's that?
Tim: My very favorite muscle.

Mark: Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)
Randy: Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!
Jill: It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.
Randy: Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!
Jill: Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Mark: So Santa is alive?
Jill: Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.
Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?
Tim: He's really fast for a fat guy!

Mark: What are we gonna make?
Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.
Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.
Jill: She did?
Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.
Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.
Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.

Tim': Are you insinuating this is my fault?
Jill: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.

Tim(to Al): So, we're going to have to change the format of the show today. YOU are gonna have to do ALL the work.
Al: And what would the change be, Tim?

Tim: (about Barbara) I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.
Karen: Yeah, right into her water bed.

Tim: ...Let me do this for you.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assist me.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Tim: Probably, yes.
Jill[getting excited]: And I can have anything I want?
Tim: Anything you want!
Jill: Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?
Tim: Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!
[Jill falls apart laughing.]

Tim: [about the vacuum] On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.

Tim: [after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

Tim: [after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?
Al: I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.