Hogan: Colonel, you worry too much.
Klink: I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.

Hogan: Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?
LeBeau: Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

Hogan: If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?

Hogan: Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!
Klink: You're right Hogan, I blew it.
Hogan: Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!
Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general!
Hogan: How many have been killed in action?
Klink: Quite a few.
Hogan: How many have been shot by the Führer?
Klink: Quite a few more.

Hogan: Look... I was able to get a good deal on some caviar. I could arrange to cut you in if you could help transport it to Paris.
Backscheider: Every inch of carloading is needed for the German war effort!
Hogan: You were in for fifty percent.
Backscheider: [Surprised] I will see what I can do.

Hogan: Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?
Newkirk: Righto, guv'nor, you got it.
Hogan: Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'
Newkirk: Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?
Hogan: Of course I do, but I fight it.

Hogan: We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.
Newkirk: What do you mean by that?
Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Klink: [tantruming] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! [the building is now pink] A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad?! If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color into the war. Everything's so drab.

Klink: Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!

Klink: Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?
Hogan: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

Klink: I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.
Hogan: Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.

Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.
Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
Klink: I know.

Klink: Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.
Hogan: Don't remind me, remind them.

Schmidt: What is it you want?
Hogan: Cleveland.
Schmidt: Cleveland?
Hogan: I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.

Schultz: (After Hogan revealing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform)What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went to far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.
Schultz: Aahhh.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: After he steals the tank.
Schultz: Ohh...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: From the Panzer division.
Schultz: Oohhh...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And brings it here into the barracks.
Schultz: Oh I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!