Backscheider: You will consider yourself under arrest.
Hogan: Champagne?
Backscheider: I will question you here. If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conductible to getting at the truth.
Hogan: That sounds fair.
Backscheider: I am not concerned with being fair. Muller, Sonntag.
[Backscheider's men begin to search the hotel room]

Burkhalter: Now let me see what we can do with Colonel Hogan.
Klink: I will have him brought here and we will start strenuous interrogation at once.
Burkhalter: Klink, you are not only irresistible, but you are also very subtle.
Klink: Thank you, sir!
Burkhalter: Like a broken leg.

Carter: Cheer up Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post.
Schultz: Well maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.
Carter: Well if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.
Schultz: All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.

Col. Klink: It is impossible to hide a tank! Therefore I suspect you! (in regards to Col. Hogan and his men hiding the Tiger tank)

Col. Klink: Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
Schultz: Me, too, Herr Komman��
[Klink gets up.]
Col. Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.
Schultz: Boy, are you running the camp!

Colonel Hogan: Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."
Colonel Klink: You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?
Colonel Hogan: It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.
Colonel Klink: Do you expect me to believe that?
Colonel Hogan: No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.

Colonel Hogan: Put your fingers in your ears.
[In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering]

Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
[In the distance there is a second explosion]

Colonel Klink: Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front, today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?
[Hogan looks down at his watch]

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Hogan: You know that picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?
Klink: Yes, I'm familiar with that picture.
Hogan: This ain't it.

Hogan:: LeBeau, how are you on pizza?
LeBeau:: Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?
Hogan:: We swear not to tell anybody.
LeBeau: Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes. To climb a barbed wire, yes. But to make a pizza, no.
Hogan: We all have to make sacrifices.

Hogan: [walks over with Klink to the ammunitions building; the painting has blurred the graffiti very little after being watered] You ordered us the paint the building; we painted it!
Klink: Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]
Hogan: [to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!
[sometime later, Hogan walks back over with Klink to the ammunitions building; Klink is horrified]

Hogan: Are you sure you won't have some champagne?
Backscheider: Research done by the Third Reich shows that champagne shrivels the Achilles tendons.
Hogan: Really?
Backscheider: The French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile... before collapsing.
Hogan: Poor devils.
Backscheider: I think it has attacked your brain. You are obviously an American, yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris, in the middle of a war... almost inviting a call from the Gestapo!
Hogan: You were very prompt. My congratulations.
Backscheider: [Puzzled] You wanted a call from the Gestapo?
[Hogan has convinced Backscheider he is actually Sgt. Frank Derkin, an escaped POW-turned-black market dealer; they are talking in Backscheider's office]

Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?
Carter: Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".