Backscheider: You will consider yourself under arrest.
Hogan: Champagne?
Backscheider: I will question you here. If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conductible to getting at the truth.
Hogan: That sounds fair.
Backscheider: I am not concerned with being fair. Muller, Sonntag.
[Backscheider's men begin to search the hotel room]

Colonel Hogan: Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."
Colonel Klink: You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?
Colonel Hogan: It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.
Colonel Klink: Do you expect me to believe that?
Colonel Hogan: No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.

Colonel Hogan: Put your fingers in your ears.
[In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering]

Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
[In the distance there is a second explosion]

Colonel Klink: Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front, today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?
[Hogan looks down at his watch]

Hogan: Are you sure you won't have some champagne?
Backscheider: Research done by the Third Reich shows that champagne shrivels the Achilles tendons.
Hogan: Really?
Backscheider: The French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile... before collapsing.
Hogan: Poor devils.
Backscheider: I think it has attacked your brain. You are obviously an American, yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris, in the middle of a war... almost inviting a call from the Gestapo!
Hogan: You were very prompt. My congratulations.
Backscheider: [Puzzled] You wanted a call from the Gestapo?
[Hogan has convinced Backscheider he is actually Sgt. Frank Derkin, an escaped POW-turned-black market dealer; they are talking in Backscheider's office]

Hogan: Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!
Klink: You're right Hogan, I blew it.
Hogan: Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!
Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general!
Hogan: How many have been killed in action?
Klink: Quite a few.
Hogan: How many have been shot by the Führer?
Klink: Quite a few more.

Hogan: Look... I was able to get a good deal on some caviar. I could arrange to cut you in if you could help transport it to Paris.
Backscheider: Every inch of carloading is needed for the German war effort!
Hogan: You were in for fifty percent.
Backscheider: [Surprised] I will see what I can do.