Killface: Pneumatic tubes eh?
Torpedo Vegas: Obviously.
Killface: Can't put coins in those.
Torpedo Vegas: They were very clear on that. I'm not even sure where they go. All I know is that I can't put coins in them can I?
Killface: I -
Torpedo Vegas: Because I can't put coins in it!

Killface: So if I'm here... this way... oh, here's an idea, indicate north. Otherwise it's not a map. It's just a drawing.
Xander Crews: So get this, he didn't even have a car.
Killface: Well thank God we sorted that out.
Xander Crews: Yeah.
Killface: Now will you please come on!

Killface: Then I'll face off with Torpedo Vegas mano-a-mano. Probably with katanas. [Killface slashes at Vegas with a katana]
Torpedo Vegas: You win this round... Killface... [the top half of his torso begins to slide off.]
Killface: Then I'll have a tearful reunion with Simon and we can all go home. Bing bong bing.
Xander Crews: Yeah. My part's kinda gay.
Killface: Hah! Wait til you hear Plan B!
Xander Crews: Uh...what's Plan B?
[They Round a corner and are faced with a dozen gun-wileding guards]
Guard: Fleeze, douche bags!
Killface: I don't actually have one.

Killface: When I get back from the bowl store, I want this apartment to be a crab-and-cancer-free zone.
Sinn: Arthur can't be moved. I think his ribs are all smashed up inside.
Killface: Well my foot hurts, so we're even

Killface: Xander Crews, I demand a ransom of twelve billion dollars...
Xander: Oh, terrific.
Killface: ...for you.
[Two X-tacles drop down, guns pointed at Killface]
X-tacle #1: He's not paying you a dime, Killface.
Xander: Yeah!
[Third X-tacle drops down and points gun at Xander]
X-tacle #3: Cause dead men don't pay ransom.
Xander: No!
Killface: I'm going to start freaking out now

Killface: [blind] I'm quite sure it was a twenty!
Waiter: Dude, it's a ten.
Killface: Oh, is that how you pay for the benzoyl peroxide I smell steaming off your greasy face?

Killface:...Oh my God she fell...
Cameraman: ...awesome

Killface: (campaign stop at A.M.E. Zion Church, dressed like Michael Vick) Hello, African Zionists. Pleasure to be here, and how about that Jesus Christ, hmm? He's one bad mother--
Churchgoer: You Hush your mouth!
Killface: I'm just talkin' 'bout Christ.
(At apartment)
Killface: We should send them a pie basket.
Dottie: They don't eat pie.
Killface: Yes, they do.
Dottie: Have you ever actually met a black person?
Killface: Of course! Sinn was black.
Dottie: I don't think a servant...
Killface: Indentured servant...technically
Dottie: How did you ever win the primary?
(Shot of Killface on top of bus in ticker-tape parade, banner reading "Thanks Killface. Global Warming Cured")
Killface: Duh.

Killface: [About Xander Crews] Absolute monarch of all bumsnackers.

Killface: [after Simon shoots down Xander's plane] Take that, you bum-snacking Republican!
Taqu'il: Damn it, I thought we were going to campaign on the issues!
Killface: Oh, lighten up.

Killface: [calling out] Sinn!
[Sinn enters the room]
Killface: If you would, please draw a bath for our lovely guest here. And please get this place decorpsed

Killface: [going towards duck call] Come on, it's that way.
Xander: Dibs on the dark meat...
Killface: Shut up!
Xander: ...she said.
Killface: Turn six!

Killface: [looking at Lamont's homemade "get well soob" card] Damn it, Lamont, what did I say about the macaroni?!

Killface: [Observing the campaign bus for the first time} Wendell, you've outdone yourself!
Wendell: Well, now I know how Diego Rivera must have felt when he was banging Frida Kahlo. Tea bagging the unibrow.

Killface: [on climbing machine] ...then find me that printer so I can cut his arms off.
Valerie: But you signed off on...
Killface: Mention those proofs again and just see what happens, Valerie.
Valerie: Look, bad grammar aside, forty million people just saw your postcard.
Killface: [stopping exercise] Bugger me! They pull those numbers?
Valerie: It's the highest-rated daytime show ever.
Killface: Ugh, I hate America.
Valerie: [leading] And their booker owes me a favor.
Killface: No, she doesn't. Valerie, if you could get me on Live With Mitzi and Verl, I'd...I'd want two segments--not the one after Verl monologue, that's garbage time--but the next two, after the break. Valerie, you get me on there, you just name your reward.
Valerie: I'd like for you to let me go.
Killface: [resuming exercise] Well, you know...except for that.