Xander Crews: So, what's the plan here, big 'un?
Killface: Well, first we follow this vented scum pipe to the lair of Torpedo Vegas, where we'll affect ingress through the drain in the men's lavatory. Once past the perimeter, you'll distract the first guard. [Xander is standing naked in front of a guard, rubbing his nipples]
Xander Crews: Oh, me so horny! You distracted?! Oh, you like tea bag, Chinatown?
Killface: While I excecute a stealth kill. [Killface comes up behind the guard and snaps his neck]
Guard: Ah, so...
Killface: Ha ha! Shh shh shh shh shh shh...yes, go see your mommy.

Xander Crews: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. I'm just gonna do one question. From, uh...
Grace Ryan: Ooh! Ooh! Me! [Xander sighs] Please pick-
Xander Crews: Darcel Jones! From Team Jaguar! How are you doing? You should call it Team Sexy!

Xander Crews: You got my money?
Killface: It's right here! You got my key?
Xander Crews: Duh!
Killface: [Petulant] You don't have to be crappy.

Xander Crews: Oh, that's just crazy China man talk.
Killface: Barnaby, make those words English!
Xander Crews: I kinda think he said... death rabbits.

Xander: [Xander has hit the blind Killface with his car] Hey, hey, no no man, don't move, man. I think you got a concussion.
Killface: Ow! What happened?
Xander: Hit... hit... hit... and... and they ran... hit and run, plateless gang car.
Killface: Oh! On a blind man! Crap! Yes, riding dirty, no doubt... With their... Bubba Kush. Well I, sir, am Killface. And you are in my debt... I'm in your debt.
Xander: Yeah, you have a house.
Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. take Naps. Where's my food?
Xander: Yeah, here...
Killface: My head... kills.
Xander: Um... this is actually just full of rocks.
Killface: Oh, that guy!
Xander: Yeah. [Laughs] ChickParm does that to blind people all the time.
Killface: Oh, I hate them!
Xander: Yeah, my girlfriend even did a thing on the news about it-
Killface: Is your girlfriend on the news?
Xander: My... what?
Killface: Grace Ryan? Wait a minute. Who are you? Shhhhh. You smell that? I smell crickets.
Xander: We should go to your house.
Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. Take naps. And y... what's your name? I don't even know your name.
Xander: Um... uh... mmm... Barnaby Jones.
Killface: [Beat] Barnaby Jones!
Xander: Yeah.
Killface: [Singing] People, let me tell ya 'bout my new best friend, Barnaby Jones! [Long pause] ...Nap.

Xander: Can you even be gay for a robot? [in robot tone] Beep-beep, I am a gay-bot!
Xtacle: ..Y-..you think we're robots?!
Xander: [in robot tone] May I offer you a robot blowjob?
Xtacle: ..this-this is just armor! [clanks helmet]
Xander: Power down gay robot; that is an an earthman order!
Xtacle: Okay...
[Xtacle takes off helmet, revealing a human head.]
Xander: [Gasp]
Xtacle: Yeah, you see?
Xander: You look.. so... real!
Xtacle: [exhasperated sigh]

Xander: Grace!
Waiter: Mi amor!
Killface: Lovely newslady!
Grace: This is Grace Ryan, Force 10 News, dangling helplessly from high atop the Annihilatrix, my microphone now literally a lifeline, because if I fall, I will drop into...what appear to be drums full of super-intelligent radioactive-waste-covered ants.
Cameraman: [whispering] Oh God, please fall.

Xander: Hi Funbags, I'm Xander. Where's my idiot girlfriend?
Antagone: Hi-yah! [Punches Xander, sending him flying out to the car] Grace Ryan is dead, and now you, Xander Crews, shall join her in...being dead!
Xander: Who even are you?
Antagone: My name is Antagone!
Xander: Really?

Xander: It's gone! It's all gone! The billionaire money is gone, the superhero stuff and the X-tacle fighting force is also gone, and the girlfriend is gone, and even the nerds now are gone, and I got nobody to help me! Might as well be David Arquette!

Xander: Looking back, Operation Snooperfax was a little...convoluted. Convoluted.
Stan: Convoluted? Damn it, you just about used up all of our operating capital.
Xander: Do we still have enough to pay for Train Island?
Stan: Yes, your little choo-choos are safe.
Xander: Nice!
Stan: Only because I had to make some pretty deep cuts in...elsewhere.
[The X-tacles receive their drastically deducted paychecks]
X-tacle #1: Guess I'll call Jan and tell her we're not going to Orlando.
X-tacle #2: Orlando? Dude, this won't even cover my mortgage.

Xander: Mmm, yeah I'm gonna pass... on that... because it is retarded! Wendell!
Wendell: Yes?
Xander: Go kill that baby, buddy.
Scientist: Now there's a movie I haven't seen.
Xander: Uhh Vera Drake?
Scientist: Didn't see it.
Xander: It's... for an abortion movie? Pretty funny.
Scientist: Let's rent it.
Xander: Done! All abort! Toot toot!

Xander: So, what's this whole movie deal about Killface?
Camera Man: Actually, he's running for president.
Xander: He's what?! How?!
Camera Man: Yeah, cause when he activated the Anihalatrix, he cured Global Warming.
Xander: Wait, no, I turned it on!
Camera Man: Well, he says he did.
Xander: Son of a BITCH!
Cmaera Man: Yeah, so do cabs ever come by here?
Xander: Well, you know what? If he's running for President, then so am I!
Camera Man: Well, it takes, like, tons and tons of money to run for president.
Xander: [Holds up check containing his billions.] Well, is that enough? Ka-kow!
Camera Man: Hey, when did you get the check back?
Xander: Oh, just right after that whole incident with it blowing away.

Xander: Watley, take the damn ant-farm keyboards to the dump. Oh, and that radioactive waste can also go.

Xander: What the hell do you want?
X-tacles: [trading punches and demands] We want a living wage! And some health insurance! And some flex hours, bitch!

Xander: (on headline outing Simon) BOOSH! Dude, we have got to jump on this with both feet.
Stan: Nope.
Xander: I want WebTV, I want Bluetube...
Stan: Nope, we leave this one alone.
Xander: Why?
Stan: Because two words: John Kerry.
Xander: Who?
Stan: Exactly.
Xander: [Beat] ...He some sort of famous gay dude?