Father Ted quotes
185 total quotesFather Dougal: [Intensely] Let's do it!
Father Ted: [Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.
[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: [Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!
Father Ted: [Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.
[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: [Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!
Father Dougal: Bishops love sci-fi!
Father Ted: [apoplectic] Dougal, we are not watching Aliens!!!
[The three bishops look at Ted, stunned. Ted regains his compsoure.]
Father Ted: Anyway, back to religion.
Father Ted: [apoplectic] Dougal, we are not watching Aliens!!!
[The three bishops look at Ted, stunned. Ted regains his compsoure.]
Father Ted: Anyway, back to religion.
Father Dougal: But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!
Father Ted: Dougal! They're bishops!
Father Ted: Dougal! They're bishops!
Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!
Father Dougal: Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?
Father Ted: No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.
Father Ted: No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.
Father Dougal: Do you want to walk over to that fence?
Father Ted: Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement
Father Ted: Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement
Father Dougal: God Ted, he's probably very cold now that his towel has blown away!
Father Dougal: God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted: No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.
Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?
Father Ted: No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.
Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?
Father Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that fella who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?
Father Dougal: Got the forfeit, Ted!
Father Ted: Oh God...
Father Dougal: Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
Father Ted: All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Father Dougal: Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
Father Ted: What is it!? Break it to me gently!
Father Dougal: All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
Father Ted: What?
Father Dougal: You have to...
Father Ted: What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!
Father Ted: Oh God...
Father Dougal: Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
Father Ted: All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Father Dougal: Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
Father Ted: What is it!? Break it to me gently!
Father Dougal: All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
Father Ted: What?
Father Dougal: You have to...
Father Ted: What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!
Father Dougal: I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!
Father Ted: [astounded] I'm sorry!?
Father Dougal: I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!
Father Ted: Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal!?
Father Dougal: I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!
Father Ted: [astounded] I'm sorry!?
Father Dougal: I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!
Father Ted: Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal!?
Father Dougal: I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!
Father Dougal: It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.
Father Dougal: So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my own parents...,