Xander: That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.
Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.
Xander: And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?
Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
Xander: I think that was Lincoln.
Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.
Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?

Xander: The mayor is going to kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh! Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I was thinking I might skip it.

Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
Xander: You stole it.
Spike: And you're making it into very hard work!

Xander: There was this one guy, he hurt her real bad. So she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See, first she stopped his heart, and then she replaced it with darkness, and then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job, see his friends, wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, but he had to do it all... empty. Without anything to look forward to... ever.
Andrew: Sounds bad.
Xander: Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.
Andrew: Oh, God.
Xander: But she's downstairs now. Don't worry about her.

Xander: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.
Dawn: Maybe that's your power.
Xander: What?
Dawn: Seeing, knowing.
Xander: Maybe it is... Maybe I should get a cape.

Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'.
Willow: I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.
Xander: Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret.
Willow: We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't.

Xander: We Bronzin' it tonight?
Willow: Wednesday's kinda beat.
Xander: Well we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer but, gosh, we did that last night.

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
Willow: It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!

Xander: Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass.
Giles [pauses to contemplate]: A wee bit unethical.

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?
Willow: All the time.
Cordelia Chase: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here.
(Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves.)
Xander: So where were we?
Willow: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is?

Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
Buffy: Little blasé there, aren't you?
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!
Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me.
Xander: You da man, Buff!

Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the".
Buffy: Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say".
Xander: Jawohl. But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.
Anya: I'm not.
Buffy: Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is that you do?
Anya: I provide much needed... sarcasm.
Xander: Um... that'd kinda be my job actually.

Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.
Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. [silence. He looks around] Let's not all rush to disagree.

Xander: Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... You know, I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.

Xander: Where is he?! Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.