Archer quotes
339 total quotesMallory: [seriously drunk without eating all day] If I don't get something to eat, I'm literally going to die.
Mallory: And don't even get me started on Miss Gillette.
[Meanwhile, at the office]
Gillette: [To Pam and Cheryl] She has never liked me. But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place. Mhm, a real smackaroonie.
[Meanwhile, at the office]
Gillette: [To Pam and Cheryl] She has never liked me. But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place. Mhm, a real smackaroonie.
Mallory: ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!
Archer: That's not... a real place.
Mallory: I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!
Archer: Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
Mallory: Have I made myself clear?!
Archer: You're looking for the answer "yes"?
Mallory: Yes.
Archer: Then yes.
Archer: That's not... a real place.
Mallory: I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!
Archer: Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
Mallory: Have I made myself clear?!
Archer: You're looking for the answer "yes"?
Mallory: Yes.
Archer: Then yes.
Mallory: Jesus GOD, Sterling, schoolgirls?
Archer: No! They're just costumes.
Mallory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Archer: ...Doesn't it?
[Later]
Woodhouse: I have ascertained the target, sir. He's actually quite handsome.
Archer: And I suppose that makes it better?
Woodhouse: Doesn't it?
[Later]
Mallory: Don't tell me that you set this whole thing up just so you could get me to move in with you and your mother!
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: No, no! It was just merely incompetence.
Mallory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Doesn't it?
Archer: No! They're just costumes.
Mallory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Archer: ...Doesn't it?
[Later]
Woodhouse: I have ascertained the target, sir. He's actually quite handsome.
Archer: And I suppose that makes it better?
Woodhouse: Doesn't it?
[Later]
Mallory: Don't tell me that you set this whole thing up just so you could get me to move in with you and your mother!
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: No, no! It was just merely incompetence.
Mallory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Doesn't it?
Mallory: You're driving Cyril straight toward another woman.
Lana: Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.
[Cut to Cheryl in bed, with Cyril on top on her, having sex, with Cyril choking Cheryl]
Cheryl: Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my God yes!
Cyril: Oh, my God, what am I doing?
Pam: [on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.
Lana: Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.
[Cut to Cheryl in bed, with Cyril on top on her, having sex, with Cyril choking Cheryl]
Cheryl: Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my God yes!
Cyril: Oh, my God, what am I doing?
Pam: [on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.
Malory: [To Cheryl] I swear, if you throw that computer on the floor one more time, you'll wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under somone else's name!
Malory: And?
Pam: And...
Malory: And are you going to loom over me all day, like some sort of... henge?
Pam: And...
Malory: And are you going to loom over me all day, like some sort of... henge?
Malory: Pam!
Pam: [From outside office] I'm not eavesdropping...
Malory: Get your bloated carcass in here!
Pam: [Entering] Whattup?
Malory: You filthy sneak! You've been going through my desk?
Pam: OK, A: No-one cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant. B: Sometimes I work late and C: There's this new thing all the kids are doing called Shutting the Damn Door!
Pam: [From outside office] I'm not eavesdropping...
Malory: Get your bloated carcass in here!
Pam: [Entering] Whattup?
Malory: You filthy sneak! You've been going through my desk?
Pam: OK, A: No-one cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant. B: Sometimes I work late and C: There's this new thing all the kids are doing called Shutting the Damn Door!
Malory: Pam, those quarterly reports better be on my desk when I walk in there!
Pam: Ummm... Are you walking in there right now?
Pam: Ummm... Are you walking in there right now?
Malory: [noticing doughnuts scattered across the floor] Oh, for heaven's sake... do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!
Malory: [to Archer] Regale him with tales of ISIS exploits. Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchian fingers.
Lana: Could we get off my fingers?
Cyril: Yeah, they are pretty big.
Lana: First time I've heard you complain.
Lana: Could we get off my fingers?
Cyril: Yeah, they are pretty big.
Lana: First time I've heard you complain.
Malory: And don't you want to freshen up after your long ride?
Archer: Phrasing, Mother!
Archer: Phrasing, Mother!
Malory: And I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a Pez dispenser.
Malory: And just how long has he been your hero?
Archer: Since ever!
[Scene cuts to a flashback where a younger Archer is dressed as the Bandit, running around in a cardboard box with markings like the Trans Am in the movie Smokey and the Bandit]
Archer: [Singing] Eastbound and dowwwwwn!
[Scene cuts back to Archer and Mallory]
Malory: I thought that was Richard Petty.
Archer: Which doesn't even merit a response.
Archer: Since ever!
[Scene cuts to a flashback where a younger Archer is dressed as the Bandit, running around in a cardboard box with markings like the Trans Am in the movie Smokey and the Bandit]
Archer: [Singing] Eastbound and dowwwwwn!
[Scene cuts back to Archer and Mallory]
Malory: I thought that was Richard Petty.
Archer: Which doesn't even merit a response.