Stan: The point is is you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.
Steve: Gee, Dad. That sounds great. Oh, no. The school doesn't have a wrestling program anymore. Aah, squigglebottom!
Stan: What? I am outraged!
Roger: Well, take your outraged elsewhere. I have another group coming through. We'll exit through the gift shop [they walk over to the counter and he takes out a CD] Make sure to check out our Stan Smith: Pan Flute Rain Forest Music [pan flute plays] Each song sounds the same. It somehow manages to be worse than the less.

Steve: Au revoir, les enfants! That means, "**** you!"

Steve: Gee, Dad. I'd like to get in the hot tub too. But I can't 'cause I'm pretty sure my parents jizzed in it last night!

Steve: I didn't like the last half, it's not as effervescent. Nope, the bottom's not for me; I'm what they call a top. [Roger's eyes widen at Steve's unintentionally suggestive line]
Stan: I can't believe you drank my soda that I bought with money I earned.
Steve: Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't know you wanted it. (waves his fingers in Stan's face): Here, my fingers are still sticky. You can suck on them if you want.
Roger [staring at Steve's fingers, clearly aroused]: Well, I'll be upstairs melting pearls on my tummy if you need me.

Steve: Its hungry for flesh and knowledge!

Superintendent: It's come to my attention that you've been letting one of your students skip classes, miss tests and hang out in the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, Brian. This is bad. I hate to say it, but...
Roger: You're fired!
Principal Lewis: Is that what you intended to say, superintendent?
Superintendent: That's what I super-intended to say.
Roger: Yay!

(after Roger reveals that he was the girl who kissed Steve at a Spin-the-Bottle party)
Steve: YOU were Alicia Wilkner?! We went on seven dates!
Roger: Nine. I roofied you on that last two. Nothing happened. Wink-wink.

(after Stan breaks the cross for the Christmas pageant)
Stage Hand: Well, that's just great. Now what am I supposed to burn on my ethnic neighbor's lawn?

(Stan comes home bloodied from his fight with Roger as Jesus)
Francine: Stan, what happened to you?
Stan (looks down at his blood-soaked Santa suit): I sat next to Courtney Love on the bus and she sneezed.

[Francine is sunbathing]
Francine: Seriously, I'm gonna die one day and I want to make sure I left something behind that can be proud of.
Klaus: What about your kids?
Francine: Nah. [sets her margarita on the table and lifts her sunglasses up] I'm talking about something more permanent. I want to invent a catchphrase. Something is perfound as... all that and a bag of chips!
Klaus: Oh, come on. Don't you think everyone has tried coming up with a catchphrase? It's next to impossible.
Francine: Well, Klaus. I'm gonna do it. And... you can put that frog in the cassarole.
Klaus: [sighs] Bitch.
(Steve just drank and threw away Stan's can of soda)

[Hayley is in the hospital]
Stan: I...might not be Hayley's father? You've cheated on me?
Francine: I'm sorry. It happened a few days before our wedding at my bachelorette party.
Stan: A few days before the wedding? While I was dealing with small details that ultimately made of the most beautiful day of my life? A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance.
Francine: I was freaking out that my life was changing. I was going from being this party girl to being someone's wife. And I got drunk and [sighs] It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Can you ever forgive me?
[Stan comes close to her]
Stan: You... big... whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.
Doctor: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, bad news. Your daughter's second kidney's only working at 20%.

[Stan comes in, dressed for the ball game]
Stan: Good morning, kiddo. Sorry again about missing your birthday. What do you say I take you to a ball game?
[holds up tickets]
Steve: Sorry, man. Got other plans.
Stan: What's the problem? I'm trying to bond with him.
Francine: Well, you're too late. Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ball game with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ball games, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?
Stan: Ahh. [laughs] Ah-hah. Ohh.

[Stan is in the living room and petting Kisses]
Stan: You're soft. Like a detergent bear. Oh, and look. There's a little ear. [scratches his ear] Who likes a scratch? Who likes an ear scratch? Huh? [pets him again and gets out his cell phone] Just gonna snap a pic for Steve. It's for him, not for me. [Kisses yawns] Oh, my god. What a cute little yawn. What a cute little baby. [pets him once more]
[it is now morning as Kisses fetches the frisbee to Steve. Steve kneels down and gives it to Stan]
Stan: You were right, Francine. It feels so good to love a dog again.

[Stan is riding a bike and using it as a unicycle]
Roger: Wheels, may I speak with you? Papa Wheely, why don't you go fill out your HR forms. Teddy Bonkers will help you.
Stan: Th-- the teddy bear?
Roger: Teddy bear! His name is Theodore Bonkers. He's not the smartest guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met. I've met Ed Burns.
Steve: Just go with it.
[Stan rides his bike like a unicycle to read the clipboard and gets out a pen]
Roger: What the hell, Wheels?
Steve: He was so excited. I... I couldn't let him down.
Stan: Uh, it says "List previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable?
Roger: Yes.

[tires screech and a gunshot is heard off-screen while Stan and Francine are sleeping. Stan covers his ears and can't take the noise]
Stan: [sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.
Francine: [sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.
[Stan gets out of bed. Jeff and Hayley are watching TV and Jeff eats a piece of pizza]
Stan: You know what time it is.
Jeff: Shh.
Hayley: Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.
Seeley Booth: Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.
Temperance Brennan: I know. But did you see this bone?
Booth: Where'd you find that bone?
Brennan: Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.
Woman: Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.
[Stan rolls his eyes]