Steve: You wanna get nuts?!... let's get nuts!! [smashes glass with a strike gun]

(At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse)
Hayley: Dad?
Stan: (answers it) Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. (to Hayley) It's work. (on the phone) Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? (to Hayley, whispers) Five minutes.
Hayley: Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. (after a long pause, Hayley found out what was going on) Oh my God! Are You KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Stan: Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? **Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel-- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless.**
**[Only on DVD]

(Before Steve and his friends get beat up)
Steve: If we're lucky, We might just take a few of them with us!!
(After Steve and his friends get beat up)
Steve: We're not taking any of them with us!!!

(Stan is on the phone arranging for party entertainment)
Stan: Hello, I'd like a moonbounce and a sober clown for a birthday party on Saturday? [beat]: Well, do you know the number of someone who knows a sober clown? [beat]]: No, I don't think I'm asking for the world...

(Steve and Roger walk in on Stan as he hangs himself)
Steve: Oh my God! Dad!
Roger: Wait, he's still breathing. Stan, are you trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself?

[At the mall, Jeff is saved by Stan from some rubble, and they talk about Hayley]
Jeff: ...But why'd she go so crazy?
Stan: Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...
[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]
Stan: The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...

[Francine and Toddler Steve are in the mall, and Francine is holding Steve's hand]
Francine: Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.
Toddler Steve (calmly): I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.

[Roger confronts the first family he lived with who abandoned him. The family's teenaged son, Tyler, comes home]
Tyler: What's going on?
Roger (sarcastically): Oh, look, it's Tyler -- all grown up like a big shot. (loses the sarcasm as he gives Tyler a onceover): You turned out cute. (suggestively): Real cute! (giggles): Damn it! (continues giggling): I'm -- I'm laughing now 'cuz I'm nervous. (giggles, then tries to catch his breath): Oh, boy, (tugs at the crotch of his pants): these khakis are not getting any looser.

[Roger mistakenly calls Steve "Scotty"]
Steve: Scotty?
Roger: That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]
Stan: Puberty.
Francine: Our worst nightmare.
Stan: The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
[Francine starts going toward bed]
Stan: Hey, what are you doing?
Francine: [pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
Stan: Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
Francine: Barely.
[Flashback to a pubescent Hayley wearing a purple shirt and a white skirt. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]
Hayley: Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!
Francine: Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
Hayley: [throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
Francine & Stan: No! [she sits]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]
Hayley (pointing to her small breasts): This is as big as they're gonna GET?!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek and is crying]
Hayley: I'm hideous!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]
Francine: Honey, you can't even see it.
Stan: It's pretty.
Roger: [enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?
[Hayley grabs Roger and hurls him through the window. She grabs Stan's torch and sets fire to the living room, screaming maniacally]

[Stan carries a limp Hayley riddled with darts into the living room]
Francine: Oh, God! Is she alright?
Stan: She'll be fine; just breathe her with this pump.
[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]
Stan: The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!
Francine: Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]
Stan: ...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.
Francine: ...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!
Stan: That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.
Francine: [Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support--
[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]
Francine: Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!

[Steve comes downstairs after being injected with an aging serum]
Steve: Why?!
Stan: Looks like the boys in the lab made a mistake...
Steve: You think?! Well, I got my pubic hair back, a whole bunch of them. They're white as frickin' Christmas! It looks like Santa Town down there! And look at my pendulous nads! Every time I walk it's like a game of gnip gnop!