Jess: Stan, What are you doing here?
Stan: I came to be with you. Hi Tracy
Tracy: Ew.
Stan: Why is Tracy being such a bitch to me?

Klaus [After Steve and Roger throw him down a water slide]: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
[beat]
Steve: [to Roger] He didn't think it was funny.

Klaus: [offscreen] Say it! You have to say it!
Hayley: [runs back and forth naked] Help! Racoons took my penis!

Klaus: Never cry a whore, Steve. Never! [starts crying] Mama!

Roger (to himself): Okay, Steve. Let's see how special you're gonna feel when some crack-whore throws you off her front porch!

Roger: [after dressing up as a woman in revealing clothing in an attempt to win a sexual harrasment settlement and strutting through the office with 2 Live Crew's Me So Horny playing] Huh, Probably shouldn't have farted before I started the walk.

Roger: [laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, the guy.

Roger: [Roger begins his second attempt at his sexual harrasment suit by keeping a box of doughnuts between his legs just as a male coworker comes into the break room] Looking for something glazed and bad for you?

Roger: I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!

Roger: In nature, a horse will not offer you his hoof until you gain his trust.

Roger: Wow he is rough on you. He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.

Sexpun (Francine): Oh my God, you really are a virgin!
Stan: What? That's not good?
Sexpun: No...it's awful.

Stan [upon seeing Lily's "husband" Al, actually a woman named Alison]: You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but His breasts weren't as luscious as your -- HOLY [bleep], YOU'RE A WOMAN!

Stan : [to Francine] Gwen... God is she hot. Model hot. Great, it was bad enough that I was mad, now I'm horny! Get up and kiss me like your sis--you know what, forget it.

Stan: ...my favorite movie is The 'Burbs.