Roger: What are you doing, you animals?! Feet on the couch-I just steam cleaned! Salsa on the carpet?! But I vacuumed! [spots a male putting a beer can on the TV, sees a hand putting a cup on table, and another places a beer can on the same table then a droplet splashed] Coasteeerrrrrs! Aaaagggghhhh!

Roger: You got a best buddy? Can I be your second buddy?
Stan: Let's see, how do I hang an air freshner on this? You are a total waste waste of space. I often dream of killing you.
[inhales]
Stan: Ah, Mountain Pine.

Roger:[after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?
Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger: [Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?

Stan Smith: [carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?

Stan Smith: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. [takes out a vial and starts chugging down pills]
Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stan Smith: I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth]: Henry, antidote.

Stan Smith: Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!
Hayley Smith: You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
Stan Smith: You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]
Hayley Smith: [staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.
Stan Smith: This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!
Francine Smith: It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the shot-up toast]

Stan Smith: Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
Steve Smith: You said, "Look out for the mines."
Stan Smith: I said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith: Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.

Stan: Oh, God, we're all going to die... and our lives meant nothing, absolutely nothing! L- I mean, uh, something comforting.

Stan: What do you think happened?
[cut to palace, where it's revealed that Roger's husband made the call]
Husband: Okay, beast with two backs. Now. (drops his trousers)
Roger: Oh, that's what all the fuss is about? Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.

Stan: (about Barry) Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat.

Stan: [abdicating his position as Deacon] It's an bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.

Stan: [after electrocuting terrorists] I just made a killing in the shock market!

Stan: [after his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler--that I as an American have every right to drive.

Stan: [after Steve calls him a monster] I'm not a monster. [a skull pops out of the boiler. Stan kicks it back in.]