Francine: Hayley, why don't you say grace?
Hayley: I'll pass.
Steve: Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"
Stan: [clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Francine: Hey, Linda. Wanna go to that art auction?
Linda: We can't. It's our biweekly puzzle night. We are this close to finishing that covered bridge.
Francine: But wouldn't it be fun to mix it up a little?
Linda: You're right. Let's do the rest of the puzzle without looking at the box! Flying blind! Whoo!

Francine: Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.
Steve: Mom, he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.
Francine: Steve-
Steve: Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? Black man don't go to Colorado.

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stan: Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!

Francine: I may be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.

Francine: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorists!" and everyone ran away.
[Francine frowns at him]
Stan: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin your party. And I'm, like, "You were there, baby. You had a front-row seat."

Francine: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?
Stan: Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. [Roger places a human-folded napkin with a ball-like attached to its foot] What the hell is this?
Roger: Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans, I dunno why.

Francine: It's potluck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan: But not smallpox. Ha, kidding. Kinda joking but not really!

Francine: Look at you two. Who would've thought guns would bring you so close together?
Stan: I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.

Francine: Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs, and they found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me!
Stan: A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.

Francine: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
Woman: Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.
Francine: Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
Woman: We're adopting.

Francine: We can bring chips and dip to the wake.
Stan: Chips and dip? Tell you what, Francine. Why don't you just take this broom here, [hands her a broom] I'll bend over and grab my ankles, [does so] you lube up the handle real good, and just sweep me out the door. Cos that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon if the best we can do is chips and dip!
Francine: I can make potato salad.
Stan: Potato salad? Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. [about to leave the room, then stops] That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.

Francine: Wow! For housewives, those Ladybugs really have it all: a fast-lane life and a slow-motion walk.
Linda: Ugh. They're snobs, Francine. A girl would have to be pretty desperate to wanna associate-
Francine: Christie! [approaches to Ladybugs] Remember me? Francine. Oh, how I wish I could peel off your skin, put it on and be you. [pauses] I mean, hi.

Francine: You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
Stan: Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Francine: Oh, Stan, please.
Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
Francine: Okay, I get it!

Girl: Hey, I love your dog.
Guy: Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
Girl: Okay.
Guy: And then we can play with this dog.