Hayley: I was so sick of Jeff, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have to figure out a way to win him back from my stupid brother.
Klaus: Your brother is not the problem. The problem is Agathor. Kill him and you'll get Jeff back.
Hayley: Oh, my God! You know how to kill him?
Klaus: The question isn't can I kill him. The question is: Do you like me?
Hayley: Not really.
Klaus: [disappointed] Oh. Anyway, I know how to defeat Steve.

Hayley: It's time to change my entire life. That's what that recurring dream's been trying to tell me. The one where I'm in that creepy classroom.
Stan: [drops mug] What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream.
Hayley: That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. Well I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.
Francine: Have you tried it with Splenda?

Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stan: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
[pause]
Stan: Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Hayley: So, how'd the big night turn out?
Roger: It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
Hayley: Wow. That actually does sound really good.
Roger: Yeah. I'd like that too.

Hayley: The path to happiness?
Stan: Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays.

Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
Klaus: I've had this flu for, like, 2 weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
Hayley: I was talking to Steve.
Klaus [sarcastically]: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!

Henry [to Roger]: You don't appreciate what I've done for you! I made you lieutenant! You were a cook when we started playing!

Jeff: How's you huge vagina?
Hayley: Oh, yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

Jess: Stan, What are you doing here?
Stan: I came to be with you. Hi Tracy
Tracy: Ew.
Stan: Why is Tracy being such a bitch to me?

Jesus: Ah, an alien. One of my father's side projects.

Johnson's Waiter: Hey, little guy. I heard your dad walked out on ya, 'cause he didn't love you enough to stay. But I know what will make you feel better.
Stan: [narrating] At that moment, I was a hundred percent sure I was gonna get molested. But it was even better.

Jonah: Those pizza bagels are my life. I make those tiny bagels by hand.

Juror: Hey, it's me. I'm gonna be late. Can you TiVo Ass Rangers 4 for me? Thanks, hon. Now, put mommy on the phone.

Klaus [After Steve and Roger throw him down a water slide]: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
[beat]
Steve: [to Roger] He didn't think it was funny.

Klaus: (From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!
(Stan, Hayley, Francine, and Steve run to the living room)
Francine: (while watching the porn) Nice.
(An explosion comes from the kitchen. The family coughs and comes up from the rubble)
Francine: Is everyone okay?
Klaus (woozily): Did we lose the porn?
Season 6