Francine: The best thing you can do for your family is stand back and do nothing.
Stan: Francine, let's be honest, that's not going to happen.

Francine: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
Woman: Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.
Francine: Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
Woman: We're adopting.

Francine: This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?
Stan: Well, honey, I-
Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.

Francine: We can bring chips and dip to the wake.
Stan: Chips and dip? Tell you what, Francine. Why don't you just take this broom here, [hands her a broom] I'll bend over and grab my ankles, [does so] you lube up the handle real good, and just sweep me out the door. Cos that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon if the best we can do is chips and dip!
Francine: I can make potato salad.
Stan: Potato salad? Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. [about to leave the room, then stops] That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.

Francine: We can't ride the bus, we're white!

Francine: What about Sanjen? I can't have an Indian baby! I don't even like Indian food!

Francine: What the FUCK is GOING ON?!
Steve: [doing cartwheels] I'll take care of you, Mom. I'm a wagon wheel!

Francine: Why is anger the only emotion you can express?
Stan: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Francine: Wow! For housewives, those Ladybugs really have it all: a fast-lane life and a slow-motion walk.
Linda: Ugh. They're snobs, Francine. A girl would have to be pretty desperate to wanna associate-
Francine: Christie! [approaches to Ladybugs] Remember me? Francine. Oh, how I wish I could peel off your skin, put it on and be you. [pauses] I mean, hi.

Francine: You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
Stan: Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Francine: Oh, Stan, please.
Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
Francine: Okay, I get it!

Francine: You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white.

Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan: You made all this in one day?
Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Girl: Hey, I love your dog.
Guy: Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
Girl: Okay.
Guy: And then we can play with this dog.

Girlfriend: Were going to have so many babys.
Roger: (Pushes her head slowly under water) No, no, no, no.

Grandson: Hey grandpa, were you ever a shark?
Grandfather Klaus: YES! I was two sharks and a monkey! Now shut up and go to bed!