Francine: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Stan: Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

Francine: Just so we're clear, you will not return home from Africa without my son.
Hayley: I'm going with you. If I can just hold a refugee's hand and look them in the eye, they'll know someone cares.
Stan: (laughs) Okay, Bono, settle down.

Francine: Look at you two. Who would've thought guns would bring you so close together?
Stan: I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.

Francine: Look, it's not even my rule; it's your Dad's. You think I wouldn't want to spark up a doober every now and then? [drifts off, contently] Just take a nice, slow, extra-careful drive?
Hayley: But Mom...
Jeff: [to Hayley] It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it. I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most...but...maybe that should be you.
[Hayley sighs]
Francine: Thanks, Jeff! [slumps over, frustrated] MAN! You got me thinkin' about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda! [looks off, wistfully] I smoke a bone, then I drink a two liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out...
[loudly takes a long sip of coffee while Jeff and Hayley stare, silently]

Francine: Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

Francine: Oh, my God! Stan!
Stan (as he hides the cannister of rat poison; disgusted): Oh, he's doing his Heath Ledger impression. Too soon, Roger. Too soon.
(Stan is inside Roger's mind. He happens upon a cave with a dying, Jiminy Cricket-esque bug locked in a birdcage)

Francine: Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there. What if you die? (gasps): I left my soda in the freezer!
(Francine rushes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and finds a drunken Klaus in his fishbowl)
Klaus (drunk and happy): Francine! Let's do some shots!
Francine: Klaus?! What you do doing in there?
Klaus: Stan put me in two days ago. The only reason I didn't freeze to death because I filled mein bowl with that bottle of vodka.
Francine: Why'd he put you in the freezer?
Klaus (belligerently): Oh, I'll tell you why. He -- (vomits so much that it fills the fishbowl)

Francine: So you weren't molested?
Stan: No, that wasn't until four or five years later. (cut to flashback of young Stan clutching fearfully to a swinging rope as a priest wearing nothing but a clerical collar and swimming trunks grabs for him, waiting for Stan to let go): It was my first week at Christian camp. But I'm not ready to talk about Father Roy.

Francine: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley: It's just a nose ring.
Stan: It's a getaway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche.

Francine: Stan, have you been eating the cookie dough again?
Stan: Why, is there still some on my face?
Francine: No.
Stan: Then no.

Francine: Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs, and they found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me!
Stan: A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.

Francine: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but please, keep going.
Francine: Oh, just forget it!
Stan: Great call, Francine.

Francine: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve: We could go skiing!
Stan: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Stay here, watch the Duke game... [Francine tries to say something] ...just hear me out... I order boneless wings from KFC...
Hayley: But-
Stan: Hang on to that thought, Hayley... I take a long bath and then... wait for it... None of you are here.
Francine: Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles.
Stan: Did someone say, "skiing"?

Francine: Stan, you're being ridiculous. We have a guest out there.
Stan: Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty.
Hayley: Dad, that's awful. Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Haagen-Dazs.
Francine: You apologize to your son.
Stan: For what? You brought fat into our house.
Steve: You'd like Debbie if you got to know her, Dad. There's a lot more to her than you think.
Stan: There's more of her?!

Francine: Stop talking, fish.