Stan: Roger, I think I've found a way off this island! Is there such a thing as a time crab?

Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate?
Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.

Stan: See what a good wife Jeff is, Francine?

Stan: So this is a refugee camp? I have to say, not that bad. There's sun, sand - it's like Arizona. But here they probably celebrate Martin Luther King Day.

Stan: So what new gadgets have you got for me, S?
S (Steve): Seems like an ordinary fancy gold pen, right? Turn the top. [Stan turns top, emits green gas] When that gas comes in contact with a woman, it's makes her breasts grow bigger.
Stan: Don't you have anything a little more..useful?
S: Ahh, right, right! Perhaps you'll like this. Looks like an ordinary cellphone, yes? Well, open it and press 3. [Stan presses 3] Yeah, see, if you're a woman, you'd have some pretty big cans by now.

Stan: So you know that Bullock claims to know everything. Well he didn't know his mother had cancer untill it was too late to operate.
Public: *shocked* OH!
Stan: Hahahahaha...

Stan: So, Barry, want to wind down by watching the best movie ever, Red Dawn?
Barry: I'm Barry!

Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.

Stan: Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.

Stan: Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.
Roger: Wow, that's really, really boring.
Stan: I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.
Roger: Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.
Hayley: Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.
Roger: What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.
Hayley: You care about the Eskimos?
Roger: Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Stan: Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice, ring the bell if you win the Camp-A-Lympics. Oh, and then there's "camp love." It's such an intense experience, like winning the Grammy for Best R&B performance, duo, or group.
Steve: Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men.
Stan: (sings) Whatever.

Stan: Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?" (Laughs) Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.
Steve: Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint?! Yeah, I'd rather die.

Stan: Steve, don't ever tell your mom I let you jump from a moving car... twice.
Stan: Really, Steve... look at me....not a word.

Stan: Steve, I can't believe you're here! [he and his friend are doing chemistry] The Schwartzstein's house is going off. It's like a damn Ludacris video; pimp cups, shorties, it's all crunked out.
Steve: We're quantifying the molecular--
Stan: Steve, if you're gonna crawl out this geek squad, you gotta log some time with the cool kids. Now get goin'! I'd-uh-ditch Fatty and Dim Sum on the way here; they're gonna blow the ratio.

Stan: Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon. Shouldn't you be outside with your friends turning my tool shed into Mordor or Endor or... something heartbreaking?