Stan: "Bros before hos," Steve. Brothers before whores all day long!
Steve: And Mom is the whore in that scenario?
Season 7

Stan: (about Barry) Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat.

Stan: ...and the number one dog on my fictitious dog list is Brian Griffin.
Brian Griffin (appears next to Stan with a martini in paw. Stares at Stan and scoffs): Uh, do I know you? (walks away)
Stan: Stop pretending I don't exist!

Stan: ...my favorite movie is The 'Burbs.

Stan: [abdicating his position as Deacon] It's an bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.

Stan: [about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!
Roger: Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.

Stan: [affected by mad cow disease] You boys see these owls? Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face! I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it. [hoots]

Stan: [after electrocuting terrorists] I just made a killing in the shock market!

Stan: [after finding the photo of Roger in the paper] How did this happen?
Roger: I have no idea. I leave the house in disguise, but six Rob Roys later, things happen that I can't be responsible for. Like buying this puzzle. Why the hell did I buy this puzzle?
[begins tearing the nearly complete puzzle apart]
Roger: I hate puppies! Get out of that tea cup! That cup is for tea!

Stan: [after his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler--that I as an American have every right to drive.

Stan: [after Steve calls him a monster] I'm not a monster. [a skull pops out of the boiler. Stan kicks it back in.]

Stan: [after taking the pills] I feel... not buzzed, but... well-rested, like I had a cup of coffee at 6:30 AM. I feel good!

Stan: [alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]

Stan: [alone with his family in the wild] We're the last ones left on Earth.
[They all hug him. He spots a man paragliding in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots him down]
Francine: What was that?
Stan: Mosquito.

Stan: [bending antennas on TV in anger] Murderer! You killed my son!
Steve: I'm still alive, Dad.
Stan: Yes, but you're dead inside.