Snot: Oh, Steve! We've been playing "Animal Midwife" for two years! When are you gonna get some new games?
Steve: Maybe we should go to your place and play "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up Before She Has To Go To Her Nursing Job".
Barry: Ouch.

Stan Smith: [carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?

Stan Smith: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. [takes out a vial and starts chugging down pills]
Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stan Smith: I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth]: Henry, antidote.

Stan Smith: Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!
Hayley Smith: You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
Stan Smith: You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]
Hayley Smith: [staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.
Stan Smith: This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!
Francine Smith: It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the shot-up toast]

Stan Smith: Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
Steve Smith: You said, "Look out for the mines."
Stan Smith: I said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith: Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.

Stan Smith: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
Jesus Christ: What if we journey through Sector 16?
Stan Smith: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Jesus Christ: Fine. What about Sector 35?
Stan Smith: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Stan Smith: [sighs] What a day.
Cleveland Brown: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]

Stan: Oh, God, we're all going to die... and our lives meant nothing, absolutely nothing! L- I mean, uh, something comforting.

Stan: What do you think happened?
[cut to palace, where it's revealed that Roger's husband made the call]
Husband: Okay, beast with two backs. Now. (drops his trousers)
Roger: Oh, that's what all the fuss is about? Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.

Stan (as he bends a cross-dressed Roger over the table during the play): I'm gonna act the crap outta you!
(after Stan and Roger are arrested for public indecency)

Stan (as he's beating up Roger, who was chosen to play Jesus in the Christmas play): You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!

Stan (to the convenience store clerk): Do you live here? 'Cuz I can live here. This place is great!

Stan [upon seeing Lily's "husband" Al, actually a woman named Alison]: You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but His breasts weren't as luscious as your -- HOLY [bleep], YOU'RE A WOMAN!

Stan : [to Francine] Gwen... God is she hot. Model hot. Great, it was bad enough that I was mad, now I'm horny! Get up and kiss me like your sis--you know what, forget it.