Roger: What, no way! Wait, why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda Rights," I wrote, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Roger: When you're locked in a cadillac sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you either learn about cars or you die.

Roger: Wow he is rough on you. He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.

Roger: You can't do this to me! You can't leave me here. Everyone's looking. Everyone's looking!
Brown-haired Man: Can you keep it down? No one's looking at you. We're trying to watch the skating here.
Roger: EVERYONE'S LOOKING!

Roger: You got a best buddy? Can I be your second buddy?
Stan: Let's see, how do I hang an air freshner on this? You are a total waste waste of space. I often dream of killing you.
[inhales]
Stan: Ah, Mountain Pine.

Roger: You got the gift? (reads label) Oh, from Landon's de-lovely!
[Sees it's only a thimble]

Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley: There's no detention in college.
Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!

Roger: You know what grenadine turns cold cola into? Roy Rogers! You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell ME when I throw it in your face!

Roger: You really think I can change?
Steve: Bitch, what did I just say?

Roger: You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!
Stan: Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
Roger: [another buzz] Zots!
Stan: Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
Roger: [laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
Hayley: Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
Klaus: [laughing] Oh!
Roger: Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
Steve: Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
Roger: I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Francine: Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Roger: Ze boy is to die first! (cuts Steve's chest)

Roger:[after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?
Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger: [Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?

Saunders: Hey, come on! Dick! Don't! Dick. Come on, Dick. Why are you doing this, Dick? This isn't you. I want the old Dick back. I don't want bad new Dick. I want good old Dick. Give me the Dick I'm used to. Give me the Dick I love.

Sexpun (Francine): Oh my God, you really are a virgin!
Stan: What? That's not good?
Sexpun: No...it's awful.

Sign Hung Outside Stan's Restaurant By Roger: "Our Clumsy Cooks Have AIDS!"