Annie Camden: Have you ever heard "for everything there is a season"? "A time to..." uhh...hmm..."a time to--" do something or other. The point is that you just have to let nature take its course. You can't hurry these things.

Simon Camden: You know, "dog" is "God" spelled backwards.

Eric Camden: (about the kids) Why is it that they like your parents and not mine?
Annie Camden: Because my parents are better.

Annie Camden: (to Eric) You wanna talk dog with Simon or puberty with Lucy?

Eric: So you took up plumbing when we were pregnant with Simon?
Annie: No, Electrical and Plumbing was Mary, Simon was Ethnic Cooking

Mary: (referring to kissing) The point is, I don't know where my hands go or his hands or my face or his face or his lips or my lips, and I don't want it to be awkward, couldn't you just show me so I have some experience.
Matt: Don't kiss me.
Mary: Would you stop, I'm not gonna kiss you. Ok, so do I touch his face with my hands. (Mary moves her hand toward his face)
Matt: No, look if anybody touches face, he touches your face or maybe he doesn't, I don't know.
Mary: (starts moving toward a kiss) So I close my eyes and... (Eric sees Mary trying to kiss Matt)
Matt: Oh Dad, this isn't what it looks like.
Eric: That's a relief.

Annie: (to Ruthie) Do you have Daddy's shoes honey?
Eric: You know Daddy really needs his shoes so if you have them (Ruthie smiles and runs away)....I'll wear my good ones. Have you seen my keys?
Annie: On the counter.
Eric: On the counter....and uh...my wedding ring?
Annie: Bathroom sink.
Eric: Oh. Good. Now all I need to do is find the list of people that I'm supposed to visit...(Annie hands him the list) Thanks.
Annie: I don't know what you'd do without me.
Eric: (kissing her) A lot less of this.
Annie: You know what I was thinking?
Eric: That once we get Ruthie in school we can walk around naked again?
Annie: (smiling) No...
Eric: But we could. (Annie nods)

Mary: Okay let's look at the facts as we know them. Fact: He said he was going to the library.
Lucy: Fact: He never goes to the library.
Mary: Fact: He stayed out all night long
Lucy: Fact: He was probably with a girl.
Mary: Okay...that's not a fact but it's a safe guess let's just assume. Assumption: He spent the night with the girl.
Lucy: Assumption: He made out with her all night long.
Mary: Fact: You are way too young for me to be playing this game with you now go get ready for school.

Eric: So many questions I don't know where to start. Why don't we try where were you?
Matt: I was at a friend's.
Eric: What friend?
Matt: Just a friend, you don't know her.
Eric: Oh it's a her? That's interesting. Have you completely lost your mind? You stupid idiot

Simon: Now Ruthie this is an adult conversation.

Ruthie: What are we doing?
Mary: Nothing sleepyhead. Come here.
Ruthie: Are we in trouble?
Lucy: What makes you think somebody's in trouble?
Ruthie: Because I went down to the kitchen and Daddy just said, "Good morning".
Mary: So?
Ruthie: He usually says, "Good morning, Pumpkin!"
Lucy: He probably just forgot.
Ruthie: He always forgets when someone's in trouble.
Mary: Well, it's Matt but you don't have to worry because it's not any real big trouble.
Ruthie: I think it is

Simon: Well, Matt I've been thinking...
Matt: Well, don't do that you might hurt yourself.

Eric: I've got three daughters myself.
Mr. Nicholson: Yeah, any of them pregnant? (slams the door in his face)

Lucy: You remember my dad?
Jimmy: Oh yeah, the God guy.
Eric: Yeah, I see how you charmed my daughter.

Matt: I'm sorry, Dad. I'm a total screw-up.
Eric: (before lovingly embracing his son) Not total.