Dick: [to Jeff] You think you're pretty clever, don't you? I happen to know that every word in your book was published years ago! Perhaps you've read...the dictionary!

Dick: Are you going to kill me?
Big Giant Head: Of course not; you're my designated driver.

Dick: Can anyone get their head to swivel to the rear? (no) Then how are you suppose to lick your back!?

Dick: Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?
Mary: Aw, nobody's perfect.

Dick: How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlin? well......he was governed by the laws of physics as are all living things. it is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point at which matter is converted into energy. Dr. Hanlin's heart approached that speed on friday evening at 7:57 according to the coroner, converting his matter into energy, into pure white light. Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us.
Mary: That was absolutely beautiful.
Tommy: Converting matter to energy?
Sally: Could you have been more trite?
Harry: Why didn't you just phone it in?

Dick: I don't mean to panic anyone, but I'm afraid the calamari has been infested with baby squid.

Dick: I think we've underestimated the life on this planet. The people have so much courage. Here they are hurling through space on a molten rock at 67000 miles an hour and the only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced faith in gravity.

Dick: I want very much to feel, and to be felt. And I mean that from the heart of my bottom.

Dick: I'm sure you can defeat a simple door lock.
[Tommy breaks through the window with his hand and unlocks the door]
Dick: What are you doing?! Now this is breaking and entering! It's illegal!
Tommy: What'd you expect me to do? Beam you in?

Dick: Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.
Mary: And this is news?

Dick: My pants fit! I won the war!
Harry: That's great, Dick! So you lost weight?
Dick: Even better - I bought bigger pants!

Dick: Oh good you're here. Did you copy the mainframe from the library?
Tommy: Uh, I got a little distracted.
Dick: Again? What happened?
Tommy: Well, I was watching these women play volleyball. And they were all jumping. Up. And down. Up. And down. With these little shorts, and some of them can't jump as high as the others, but it's okay. I mean, it's more than okay, it's really okay. I mean--
Dick: What is wrong with you?!
Tommy: I don't know.
Dick: We can't leave without that information, so access the net, download, and go straight home as soon as you're finished.
Tommy: Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?
Dick: You are a child.
Tommy: I'm older than you.
Dick: Well, now I'm bigger. And on this planet size matters.

Dick: Sally, I want you to observe her, find out what women on this planet do.
Sally: Why can't Harry do it?
Dick: Because you're the woman.
Sally: That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?
Dick: Because you lost.

Dick: So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?
Mary: Yeah... even then.
Dick: That is so beautiful!

Dick: We suck, we blow -- a posse of oral fixators. Let them try and ban smoking, for if they do!.. They'll just have a bunch of SMOKING OUTLAWS on their hands!