Ares: You have no idea how glad I am to see you again.
Hercules: You don't know how little I give a damn.
Ares: Well, you've been lucky so far, little brother. I've always gone kind of easy on you.
Hercules: Oh, so all those other times I knocked you flat on your ass you were just pretending?
Ares: I was worried what Dad would do if I really hurt you. You've always been his favorite.
Hercules: You see, that's the difference between you and me, I never really cared what 'Daddy' thought.

Ares: You'll always be a goody-two-shoes!
Gabrielle: Yeah, but with a really big sword.

Autolycus: (regarding Joxer)Why is he here?
Gabrielle: He knows Jet.
Autolycus: No, I mean on a grander scale, why is he here?

Autolycus: [hits Joxer on the head] Just as I thought, it's hollow.

Autolycus: Ah, another day, another defilement.

Autolycus: Ah, Xena, I think I found your disguise. The assistant of Sintares would wear no less. (holds up skimpy outfit)
Gabrielle: Any less and there wouldn't be.

Autolycus: Alright, Xena, you've been waiting for this moment since we started. Some good old-fashioned kick-butt - that's my warrior princess-action.

Autolycus: Big job running a tavern. Lot's of things to keep track of, huh? Food. Drink. Keys. Hey, what do you know, there's a key to my room, and to Xena's, and to Joxer's. Of course, you'd have a key to every room in the place wouldn't you, Cyrene?
Cyrene: Meaning.
Autolycus: Meaning you must know every creaky floor board and squeaky hinge in the place. Why, you could float around like a ghost if you had to.
Autolycus: Bounty hunter checks in, and despite what she says, I think she knew it. You also knew that it was damn likely that your daughter would be on her list.
Xena: Autolycus, we've already had this conversation.
Autolycus: Then you must admit, no one has the means or a stronger motive than your own dear, over-protective mother. Sorry, Cyrene, tough break. Book her, Xena. I'm outta here.
Xena: He's an idiot.

Autolycus: Choose the one drink you wouldn't give your worst enemy, and give me a double.

Autolycus: Don't tell me this is another one of virtue-is-its-own-reward jobs. Oh Xena, I thought better of you, I really did. You know, I might as well go back to Ormand. I've got a good thing going with the King's sister. I'm this close to the crown jewels and he doesn't suspect a thing.
Xena: He does now. I sent a second pigeon.

Autolycus: I'm not as dumb as he looks!

Autolycus: Malthus...I don't steal from him.
Gabrielle: (laughs) He's afraid.
Autolycus: No, we have an arrangement. I don't steal from him, he doesn't gouge my eyes out with hot pokers. It's worked out very well so far.

Autolycus: Um... can you put that hand here (gestures to Solari's right breast)
Solari: (Moves hand to support her right breast, raises an eyebrow)
Autolycus: And... can you put that hand there (gestures to Solari's left breast)
Solari: (Places hand to support left breast)
Autolycus: Now this is purely business, not pleasure (place hand between Solari's breasts)
Solari: (Shocked look come over her face, stares down at his hand, a look of "did he just? he really just put his hand there. WOW)
Autolycus (pulls the pin holding her top together out) well mostly business,(Gabrielle glares)... now hold it (gestures to Solari holding her breasts, and moves off screen)

Autolycus: Xena? Ha ha ha! Hey, small world, huh? You have business here? Everything seems to be closed. Say, how'd you like to grab a bite to eat? I know this great little place, you'd ... C'mon, Xena, it's just a lousy little ruby. It's not even worth talking about. They won't even know that it's gone.
Guard: Look! The ruby! It's gone!
Autolycus: Oh, alright ... (throws the ruby over the wall)
Guard: The ruby! It's back!
Autolycus: I gave it back. You happy now?
Xena/Meg: What are ya? Stupid or something? That thing was worth a fortune!

Autolycus: You're trying to use my ego against me.
Gabrielle: I didn't think it would work.
Autolycus: No, it worked. I'll do it.