The "Candyman" : You know what you are?
Nancy: What?
The "Candyman" : Skinny-fat. And what are we gonna do about that?
Nancy: We're gonna start exercising right away.
The "Candyman" : Don't humor me. I'm very serious. I used to weigh 314 pounds.
Nancy: Wow. Congratulations.
The "Candyman" : The key, exercise.
Nancy: You know, I'm not buying for personal use.
The "Candyman" : Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats?
Nancy: Well they're smokers. But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke, they can breathe easier should they decide to exercise.
The "Candyman" : That's a reasonable assumption.

Vaneeta: How much you think we get for that? (referring to Nancy's wedding bang and ring)
Heylia: Nothin'. She'll be back.

(Doug walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
Doug Wilson: What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny Botwin: Is that her pimp?
Shane Botwin: My mom is not a prostitute!
Lenny Botwin: Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?
Shane Botwin: No!
Lenny Botwin: A Costco?
Shane Botwin: No!
Lenny Botwin: Is she a coke dealer?
Shane Botwin: Um...no.
(Doug walks back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
Doug Wilson: What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny Botwin: Weed!Your mothers a weed dealer!!
Shane Botwin: Give me back her money.

[after Doug doesn't care he accidentally stepped on a sand castle]
Kid: You're a bad man.
Doug Wilson: You're a bad castle builder.

[after her rented grow house is discovered, Celia is called in for questioning, but the detectives just stare at her quietly]
Celia Hodes: Nancy Botwin.
Season 4

[after Maria (Mermex) doesn't want to have sex with him]
Doug Wilson: It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.
Andy Botwin: It's been one day.
Doug Wilson: And a half.

[at the evacuation center]
Doug Wilson: [playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.

[at the evacuation center]
Doug Wilson: [walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.

[Captain Roy Till investigates Sullivan Groff about the discovered grow house that is under his name]
Sullivan Groff: My company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.
Captain Roy Till: Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr. Groff?
Sullivan Groff: Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?
Captain Roy Till: Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?
Sullivan Groff: Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.
Captain Roy Till: Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?

[Conrad has to answer the door when someone approaches Celia's rented drug grow house]
A middle-aged woman: [sees Conrad through the door's hatch and is rather surprised an African-American lives in the neighborhood] Oh...
Conrad Shepard: Can I help you?
A middle-aged woman: Uh, [the initial shock slowly fades away] hello. I'm Eve Meriweather.
Conrad Shepard: Good for you.

[Conrad tries to say goodbye and close the door, but Eve Meriweather stops the door and shoves her head inside]
Eve Meriweather: [with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...
Conrad Shepard: Sure. Church. Praise the lord.
Vaneeta: Hallelujah.
[Eve Meriweather leaves singing to herself and with her hand raised in victory]

[Eve Meriweather tells Conrad she goes door-to-door to ask neighbors about any suspicious behavior]
Conrad Shepard: Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?
Eve Meriweather: Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]
Conrad Shepard: Someone stole your cross?
Eve Meriweather: Yes.
Conrad Shepard: That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?
Eve Meriweather: Jews.
Conrad Shepard: Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.
Eve Meriweather: Well, they're mostly urban.

[Silas goes for his community service but not before telling his mother he plans to sell her drugs to his fellow workers who are both unsupervised and "like to have fun"]
Silas Botwin: This is a non starter.
Nancy Botwin: I will never let you deal.
Silas Botwin: You don't have the choice. I know you don't.
Nancy Botwin: It's too dangerous. I don't want this for you. Come back here.
[Silas simply ignores her and walks out with the drugs]
Nancy Botwin: We'll discuss this later.

[Silas meets the returning character of PTO Pam in his community service]
Silas Botwin: Mrs. Gruber?
Pam Gruber: Silas!
Pam Gruber: Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?
Pam Gruber: [points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?
Pam Gruber: [when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?
Silas Botwin: I'm fine.
Pam Gruber: You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.
Silas Botwin: Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?
Pam Gruber: Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?
Silas Botwin: I guess not!
Pam Gruber: [suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!
[Silas goes back to work with a bewildered look]

[to the drug rehab secretary about not having insurance]
Celia Hodes: Don't you have a work program? I could do...dishes, landscaping...
Drug rehab secretary: I'm sorry, Celia. What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.