Lord John Marbury: Your assistant, Margaret, is looking positively buxom.
Leo: [awkwardly] Thank you. I'll tell her.
Margaret: [from outer office] Thank you!
Lord John Marbury: Oh, yes! Well done!

Lou: Hey Josh?
Josh: Yeah?
Lou: The congressman's briefcase: what's inside there?
Josh: Road stuff...toothbrush, electric razor, sometimes a wallet. Why?
Lou: We seem to have lost it, and he seems kinda worried.
Josh: The guy's running a tie for the presidency and he's got two weeks left, so you can expect him to look worried once in a while.
Lou: So there's nothing... bad in there.
Josh: Like?
Lou: I don't know! Heroin, porn...
Josh: No, that's all mine.
Lou: I'm going to go now.

Lou: I was thinking while you were asleep.
Josh: I wasn't asleep.
Lou: Oh, really? With the drooling, the twitching, and muttering to yourself, which might otherwise be described as a schizophrenic episode, I'd go with 'You were sleeping.'

Lou: Yeah, come with me.
Josh: Where are we going?
Lou: Bedroom/office/staff room.
Josh: OK, I don't want to seem ungracious. We've all been under a lot of pressure. It's just that...
[they enter the room, and Donna is sitting on the bed]
Josh: Hi.
Donna: Hi.
Lou: I don't know what the problem is between you two, but she's great on television and I don't care if she worked for Francisco Franco in the primary. Right now, it's all hands on deck, so work it out.

Lou: You saw Vinick on TV this morning. Clearly it wasn't about content, but he was tough and he was authentic. He was Neil Young to your Neil Diamond.
Josh: I like Neil Diamond.
Lou: I'm sure you do.
Josh: We can't have a fight about a security leak. We'll get killed. I'm trying to change the conversation back to the economy.
Lou: How about moving the conversation to the fact that while Santos was serving in the Gulf, Vinick was serving himself Chardonnay. That Santos is still serving in the Reserves as a Congressman. He's been in the Senate for, like, 90 years. He was practically born in a committee hearing. If you're not using the phrase "Beltway Arnie" in every press release...
Josh: We're not going negative. Not now, not first.
Lou: Oh, really. You don't think you're running a negative campaign? Why are you always talking about high-tech jobs? Because Vinick uses a manual typewriter and his future is a set of plastic gums. You're doing political smear like the rest of us. All I'm saying is do it right.

Major Tate: Sir, we're not prejudiced toward homosexuals.
Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: You just don't want to see them serving in the Armed Forces?
Major Tate: No, sir, I don't.
Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: 'Cause they impose a threat to unit discipline and cohesion.
Major Tate: Yes, sir.
Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: That's what I think, too. I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change.
Major Tate: Yes, sir.
Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: The problem with that is that's what they were saying to me 50 years ago. Blacks shouldn't serve with whites. It would disrupt the unit. You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the United States Navy and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... Beat that with a stick.

Male reporter: Senator, what do you think of Congressman Santos doing his Reserve duty in the middle of the campaign?
Female reporter: Do you think it was a stunt?
Vinick: A stunt? No, that was... that was devotion to duty. That's what makes the American military the greatest fighting force in the history of the world. And I hope Congressman Santos continues to do his duty when I'm Commander-in-Chief.

Mandy: It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes.
Josh: Yes, but you shouldn't take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn't me.

Mandy: What about a negotiator?
Military officer: Negotiate what?
Mandy: A peaceful settlement.
Josh: This is a stand off with federal officers. A peaceful settlement is "put your guns down, you're under arrest."
Mandy: I think it would be wise if we demonstrated that we exhausted every possible peaceful solution before we got all Ramboed up.
Josh: I don't think it's unreasonably macho for the White House to be aggressive in preserving democracy.
Mandy: Let me tell you something. Ultimately, it is not the nuts that are the greatest threat to democracy, as history has shown us over and over and over again, the greatest threat to democracy is the unbridled power of the state over its citizens. Which, by the way, that power is always unleashed in the name of preservation.
Josh: This isn't abstract, Mandy. This isn't a theoretical problem. The FBI says come out with your hands up, you come out with your hands up. At which point, you're free to avail yourself of the entire justice system.
Mandy: Do you really believe that? Or are you just pissed off because I got into the game?

Margaret: [to the Surgeon General] Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?

Margaret: Can I - can I just say something for the future?
Leo: Yeah.
Margaret: I can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good.
Leo: You can sign the President's name?
Margaret: Yeah.
Leo: On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else?
Margaret: Yeah. Or... do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea?
Leo: I think the White House Counsel would say it was a coup d'etat!
Margaret: Well...I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
Leo: I would think! And what the hell were you doing practicing the President's signature?
Margaret: It was just for fun.
Leo: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill!

Margaret: I reached Oliver Babish. He says you owe him a raspberry panna cotta cheesecake.
CJ: He'll live.
Margaret: Longer, probably.

Margaret: Speaking of health and fitness...
Leo: Oh, merciful God!
Margaret: What did you have...
Leo: I had half a grapefruit!
Margaret: Really?
Leo: You think I'm lying?
Margaret: No.
Leo: Okay.
Margaret: Yes.

Margaret: There's someone here from NASA. He needs to speak to whoever's in charge, and at this point I have no idea who that is.
Leo: Maybe, keep the philosophical questions to yourself?

Margaret: Want to hear a joke?
Leo: Uh... Okay.
Margaret: You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?
Leo: Why?
Margaret: 'Cause in France, one egg is 'un oeuf'.