David: Under "Strengths"... you've just put "accounts."
Keith: Yeah.
David: That's your job though, that's, that's just--
Keith: --Mmm. [nods]
David: No, Keith. What. I was sort of looking for your skills within your job. So is there anything else you could have put there?
Keith: [shrugs]
David: Nope. Okay. Umm... Under "Weaknesses" you've put eczema.

Gareth: If you're so clever, what am I thinking now?
Tim: You're thinking "how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"
Gareth: No.
Tim: You're thinking "if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes?"
Gareth: No. And you can't.
Tim: What are you thinking Gareth?
Gareth: I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.

David: You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go "Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs." I do it so, one day, someone will go "There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him."

Tim: There was, oh my God, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eighth's. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bowl-in Alley, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "Mind Your Head" - nice... and underneath someone had written "Don't get your Hampton Court." It's not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

David: What's more important: you, Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Oh, I dunno. Oh, what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know. Imagine him going out of the door on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going "Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out." [middle finger] "DO IT YOURSELF, I'VE GOTTA SAVE SOME AFRICANS!".

David: My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?". Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!

Tim: I think it was John Lennon who said "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." And that's how I feel.Although he also said "I am the walrus. I am the eggman." So I don't know what to believe.
Series 2

David: "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.
Gareth: If anything they should be rewarded.
David: They should be equal.
Gareth: Women are equal.
David: I've always said that.

[Gareth is describing his renovated car]'
Gareth: I've got some photos... [opens drawer and recoils in shock] Oh, what is that!?
David: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Gareth: [To Tim] Right, that is it!
David: Slow down, you move too fast. Solomon's here. All part of the job. What's going on?
Gareth: [taking out a plate of yellow jelly with a stapler in it] He's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done that. It wasn't even funny the first time.
David: Why's he done that?
Gareth: I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.
David: Yeah, you show him a weakness, he pounces, you should know about that. Oh, what is in here?
Gareth: It's my stapler.
[Gareth pulls the stapler out of the jelly]
David: Well don't do that! Eat it out! [To the camera] There's people starving in the world, which I hate. So, it's a waste. So... [To Gareth] How do you know it's yours?
Gareth: 'Cause it's got my name on it in tippex.
David: Yeah, don't eat it now. Chemicals.

Rowan: Gareth, what's your ultimate fantasy?
Gareth: Two lesbians. Sisters, probably. I'm just watching.
Rowan: Okay.. umm, Tim?
Tim: I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

David: There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go "Ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced." Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. Just give generously to them all.

David: Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted. So, every cloud... You're still thinking about the bad news, aren't you?

David: I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going, "Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?" No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me.

David: How old would you say I was if you didn't know me?
Employee: Forty?
David: No, how old do you think I look?
Employee: Thirty nine?
David: Most people think I look about thirty, so..
Employee: Definitely not.
David: Oh, you calling them liars?! What do you think?
Oliver: Well, between thirty and forty.
David: Yes. More honest.

David: I said, "If Head Office try and come here and interfere, they've got me to contend with, okay? You can go and fiddle with Neil's people, but I'm the head of this family. You're not going to fiddle with my children. I am, if anyone does."