Cat: Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?
Kryten: Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.
Rimmer: But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.
Lister: And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?
Rimmer: Laugh.
Lister: Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.
Series X Trojan

Cat: Who is this guy?
Lister: Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters and ended up eating his son.
Cat: Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza.

Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"

Cat: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it.

Club owner: You are a stupid square-headed bald git, aren't you, eh?! I'm not pointing at you, I'm pointing at you. But I'm not actually addressing you, I'm addressing the one prat in the country who's bothered to get hold of this recording, turn it round and work out the rubbish that I'm saying! What a poor, sad life he's got! Frankly, your act's crap anyway, anybody could have done it! I hate the lot of you, bollocks to you!

Confidence: Ding-dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beer milkshakes!

Death: Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and --
Rimmer: Not today, matey. [knees Death in the groin] Remember, only the good die young.
Death: [gasping] That's never happened to me before.

Death: Well, Sheriff, looks like it's just little old you.
Kryten: I'm not afraid, Mr Death, sir. My friends have bought enough time for me to complete the antidote program. So, if you'll forgive the confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum-sucking molluscs!

Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom: Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen! I wish to give your lives meaning...

GELF Leader: Yep [Lister's other self killed everyone], even me I'm afraid.

Higher Cat: We find clothes to be a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment.
Cat: Really? I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment to be a distraction from the pursuit of clothes.

Holly [after being insulted about his temporarily reduced IQ]: 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!

Holly, And the moral of the story; appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!

Holly, That's a load of Tottenham, that is. Yeah, a steaming pile of Hotspur.

Holly: Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Black hole approaching! This is not a drill. This is a drill! [pneumatic drill sound] Abandon shi- Oh God, now the siren's bust.... Awooga! Awooga! Abandon ship!