[Dexter finds the police at his house; Stottlemeyer, Monk and Sharona are waiting for him in his dining room]
Dexter Larsen: What the hell is going on? [Stottlemeyer gives him a search warrant]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dexter Larsen, that's a warrant, duly sworn, authorizing us to search your house.
Bimbo: Dex, I tried to call you. They've been here an hour. They've been looking everywhere!
Dexter Larsen: Looking for what?
Adrian Monk: Looking... for proof that you killed Elliot D'Souza.
Dexter Larsen: Mr. Monk, are you serious? [notices that his Carvasia is lying on the dining room table] My Carvasia. I told you not to touch that!
Adrian Monk: Sorry, I'll get it. [He starts to grab for it]
Dexter Larsen: No! No! Don't touch it. I'll do it. It's very valuable. [He tries to pick it up off the table, but it doesn't budge; Sharona stares at Dexter oddly]
Sharona Fleming: Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's wrong? Pick it up. Can't weigh more than fifteen pounds.
Dexter Larsen: All right. What did you do? Did you glue it down?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, if I may. [He picks it up with ease] No, not glued. Your turn. [Dexter tries to pick it up again, but it is stuck to the table] We found it, Dexter.
Dexter Larsen: Found what?
Sharona Fleming: The magnet that you built. [Stottlemeyer moves aside a dining table chair, revealing that Randy is holding a large magnet to the underside of the table]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you can come out now, unless you're enjoying yourself down there. [Randy gets up, carrying the large magnet with him]
Dexter Larsen: What's this supposed to be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you don't recognize that? We found it in your workshop. It had fingerprints all over it. [to Monk] Go ahead.

[Disher walks into Stottlemeyer's office while Stottlemeyer does work on his laptop]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, I have a thought. [Stottlemeyer doesn't look up, and waves his fingers] About paperboy. [Stottlemeyer continues gesturing with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This means "hurry up".
Lt. Randall Disher: It was a burglary; the paperboy interrupted a B&E in progress. It fits: there were five break-ins on that block last year alone.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [stands up] Nope. I already looked into that. All of those break-ins were hot prowlers - forced entry with a crowbar.
Lt. Randall Disher: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Our guy was empty-handed.
Lt. Randall Disher: What about a car thief?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that doesn't explain the taking of the newspapers, doesn't it? [He puts on his overcoat]
Lt. Randall Disher: Right. So we're back to Monk's theory?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm afraid so. [shows Randy the door] And this means "we're leaving".

[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]
Adrian Monk: He was a thirsty victim...
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I mean, the perfect victim.

[First lines; Monk and Sharona are watching Gail's performance]
Sharona Fleming: What do you think so far?
Adrian Monk: There's no legroom. It's so crowded.
Sharona Fleming: It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Adrian Monk: So where is she?
Sharona Fleming: She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
Sharona Fleming: There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
Hal Duncan: [as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.
Gail Fleming: But you're supposed to be in jail!
Hal Duncan: It's funny that phrase, �supposed to be��. I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on �supposed to be�� the way he used to.
Gail Fleming: You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-
Hal Duncan: Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail's blouse]
Gail Fleming: I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?
Hal Duncan: You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]
Hal Duncan: Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.
Gail Fleming: You know, if you don't leave, I'll--
Hal Duncan: You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]
Gail Fleming: Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?

[first lines]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]
Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [Brian gives them the finger, then floors on the gas pedal]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs his radio]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run. He's eastbound on Union.
Lt. Randall Disher: [excited] This is my first car chase! I've been waiting for this my whole life! [A pickup truck immediately T-bones Brian's car and sends it crashing into another vehicle. Stottlemeyer nonchalantly unbuckles his seatbelt and turns off the dashboard light]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy looks at the wreckage, dumbstruck]

[Monk and Sharona are at the Stop 'n Go]
Boz Harrelson: How 'bout a lottery ticket?
Sharona Fleming: Oh no. You just had a big winner. I never buy a ticket unless the jackpot's more than 10 million dollars.
Adrian Monk: [pretending to laugh] Yeah, 10 million dollars. I don't know how they can even call that a jackpot.

[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]
Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?
Adrian Monk: For... what?
Greeter: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

[Monk and Sharona go to Noelle Winters' apartment]
Noelle Winters: Hello.
Adrian Monk: Noelle. Do you remember me?
Noelle Winters: Oh, yeah. From the party. Uh, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: Hi.
Adrian Monk: Do you mind if we come in?
Noelle Winters: Uh, sure. Well, you'll have to excuse the mess. I'm still unpacking from my trip.
Adrian Monk: Noelle, did you know that you were directly below Elliot D'Souza's apartment?
Noelle Winters: No. No, I knew he lived in the building.
Adrian Monk: At the party, you mentioned that Dexter Larsen found this apartment for you.
Noelle Winters: Yeah, that's right.
Sharona Fleming: When was that?
Noelle Winters: Uh, about a month ago.
Sharona Fleming: And then he sent you out of town?
Noelle Winters: Yeah, that's right. To London and Paris on a promotional tour. So, what's all this about anyway? [Monk spots some indentations in the carpet]
Adrian Monk: Did you make these?
Noelle Winters: What?
Adrian Monk: These indentations on the carpet.
Noelle Winters: Uh, maybe. I might have or maybe they came from that chair.
Adrian Monk: No. No, they're not from the chair.

[Monk and Sharona have narrowly survived a bomb blast]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Different post office, same type of explosive.
Adrian Monk: [yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
Sharona Fleming: You don't have to shout!
Adrian Monk: [still yelling] Why are you whispering?!

[Monk and Sharona talk to Arianna Dakkar, the horse trainer]
Adrian Monk: What is your name?
Ariana Dakkar: Ariana Dakkar.
Adrian Monk: Miss Dakkar, we're investigating the death of Sergei Cluvarias.
Ariana Dakkar: Why talk to me?
Adrian Monk: You were with him last night, weren't you? At the cafe when he was killed.
Ariana Dakkar: Who told you that?
Adrian Monk: No one told me. You shouldn't have taken all the sugar cubes from the table.
Ariana Dakkar: I shouldn't have run away, I know, but I was scared. I was sure she was going to kill me, too.
Adrian Monk: "She"? You think the killer was a woman? [Ariana's demeanour changes]
Ariana Dakkar: I don't think anything. I know exactly who it was! I know she was crazy, but I never thought she would try something in public.
Sharona Fleming: Who?
Ariana Dakkar: Natasia Lovara. She calls herself The Queen of The Sky.
Adrian Monk: An acrobat.
Ariana Dakkar: Sergei's ex-wife. Jealous bitch! [As she continues to talk, she goes off to reach into her purse for a grooming impliment] She couldn't stand the thought of him having a life. If she's miserable, everybody else has to be miserable. She tried to kill him before, six months ago, but there wasn't enough evidence to indict her.
Sharona Fleming: If you know who did it, why didn't you go to the police?
Adrian Monk: Because she was afraid. You're not a citizen yet, but you're about to take your naturalization test, and you didn't want to draw attention to herself.
Ariana Dakkar: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: The pamphlet in your bag. You're studying the U.S. Constitution, something no citizen would ever do. Good luck, by the way.
Ariana Dakkar: Thank you, Mr. Monk.

[Monk and Sharona talk to handyman Ian Agnew about his lawsuit against the Babcocks]
Adrian Monk: Thank you for seeing us.
Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Please, sit down. [he appears to have a rather sudden pained reaction, possibly from the pipe]
Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe. [points to the protruding piece of metal pipe] I have a piece of pipe in my head. [pauses] I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack. [laughs] I'll get it! [picks up the phone] Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number. [to Monk and Sharona] HOW'S THAT COFFEE? [turns to an empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG!
[He turns back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.
Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?
Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it. [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to another imaginary caller] You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?
Ian Agnew: I testified.
Sharona Fleming: Did you spend any time with the jury?
Ian Agnew: No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors! [singing] Daisy, Daisy, tell me your answer true! [turns back to the empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG! [then back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: You know what I think I miss the most? [points to the pipe] Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this. [picks up the phone again]
Ian Agnew: Hello. Hello.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
Ian Agnew: [talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
Adrian Monk: We'll let ourselves out.
Ian Agnew: Tell me who this is right now! [Monk and Sharona walk out] Well I don't believe that for a minute!

[Monk approaches the homeless man that didn't want gravy]
Adrian Monk: Here, it is!
Man: I told you, I didn't want any!
Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: Are you serious?
Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you, I don't want it.
Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Monk: That's it.

[Monk gets baseball star Scott Gregorio to coach Benjy at batting practice.]
Sharona: Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
Monk: You're welcome.

[Monk has been presumed dead]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand. [hangs up] Adrian Monk is alive. [And now he has to cancel all his funeral arrangements!] I HATE THAT MAN!

[Monk has inspected the knots Ricky has used to tie down his surfboard]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okeydokey.
Adrian Monk: Who's Marion?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You are. Marion the Librarian.
Adrian Monk: So, it's like a put-down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yup. It's a derogatory remark, Monk. What do you see?
Adrian Monk: [on Ricky] Oh, he's not the guy. He definitely knew his sister lived here. He was at a barbecue here two weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But the package was mailed to the old address.
Adrian Monk: Right, and he said he tied the surfboard to the room himself. Look at these knots. They're a mess. Crude, tangled, but the knot we saw inside on the bomb, was a work of art.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So the feds--
Adrian Monk: Are barking up the wrong tree. You said there was another brother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Brian, but he's a dead end.
Lt. Randall Disher: Or practically dead.
Sharona Fleming: What do you mean?
Lt. Randall Disher: The guy's in a coma.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We saw it happen. Four months ago, he got t-boned by a pickup truck. Cracked his skull. It was really unnecessary. The guy just baited me and Randy and--and stepped on the gas.
Lt. Randall Disher: It was my first car chase.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That didn't count. The guy didn't go half a block. You didn't get the car in gear!
Lt. Randall Disher: It counted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It wasn't a chase, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: We ran to the car.
Adrian Monk: Anyway, uh��four months ago. So, he wouldn't have known that his sister had moved.
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Sharona] It counted.
Adrian Monk: I'd like to meet him.