Magnum: Howdy, partner. You just ride into town?
Elmo Ziller: Somebody told me you was a pretty good detective.
Magnum: Terrific. I ain't had a rustlin' case all year.

Magnum: I was a Naval intelligent.
Virginia Fowler: Oh. You don't seem like the type. The Navy, I mean, not the intelligence.
Magnum: I know what you mean.
Virginia Fowler: You were in the Navy.
Magnum: Yes, I was in the Navy. Uhh... career man, Navy all the way.
Virginia Fowler: What happened?
Magnum: I started asking myself a lot of questions.
Virginia Fowler: And?
Magnum: I'm still asking.

Magnum: I'm a peach of a detective.
T.C.: [To Rick]I can't believe you bought that. He ain't that good.

Magnum: I'm not an intruder, I'm a guest!
Higgins: Guests eventually leave.

Magnum: I'm trying to tie up the loose ends, Floyd, you know, like those TV detectives.

Magnum: Is there anybody you haven't known, or anything you haven't done?
Higgins: You're calling me a liar again.
Magnum: I'm calling you an exaggerator. Your memoirs read like a bad novel. Not that it's bad writing. No, it's kind of exciting ... very imaginative, very professional; not like that cheap pulp that Robin writes.
Higgins: How dare you!
Magnum: I was just quoting you. You're the one that's always saying that Robin's writing is cheap.
Higgins: I never said cheap! It's just not serious writing. That's the only real difference between the memoirs and the novels.
Magnum: "The" memoirs? "The" novels?
Higgins: I was using the article the to compare the works rather than the writers.
Magnum: Sure. Just how much writing have you done, Higgins?

Magnum: Make me a list of the favors I owe you and I'll take care of them.
Higgins: I already have a list. What I don't have is a reason to believe you.

Magnum: One of the pleasanter aftereffects of nearly meeting your maker is a renewed sense of the value of all life; of every creature's right to realize its full potential. In fact, I was quite pleased recently when I managed to avoid stepping on an ordinary garden snail. Pleased that it could crawl on to fulfill its full garden snail potential.

Magnum: Rick, there's a bug in your hair.
Rick: Yeah, right.
T.C.: No, really, Rick, there's a praying mantis.
Rick: [mimicks]"Rick, there's a bug in your pocket," "Rick, there's a centipede," "Rick, there's a lizard." Well, I'm not buyin' it! [Rick walks off]
[Rick screams]

Magnum: This isn't a war you know. I mean, once nature sets it's course, you can't do anything to stop it.
Higgins: You can if you're British!

Magnum: This was done by dot matrix.
Luther: Who's Dot Matrix, and what's she got to do with this?
Magnum: She's a computer, Luther!

Magnum: This was one of those days I wish I'd listened to my mother and studied to be an orthodontist. Looking into someone's mouth has gotta be better than staring death in the face.

Magnum: What happened to 'I'll take the guys on my side'?
Jim Bonnick: There weren't any guys on my side.

Magnum: When I write my book on being a first class private investigator, Rule Number 168 is going to be: "If you're getting chased, you should be in a fast car". Postscript to Rule 168: "No matter how fast your car is, there can always be one that's faster".

Magnum: Where you been, Tyler?
Tyler: Been to an execution.
Rick: Anybody we know?
Tyler: Mine.
T.C.: Well, I guess somebody messed up then.