Ted: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall: No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily: I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and... I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads, and I got pulled over. So then a police officer swaggered over and said, 'Ma'am, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could!'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here, as fast as she can.

[After Ted fails to deliver his 'cold-blooded' speech to Stella because he just saw Tony and Lucy happily greeting her.]
Future Ted: From that moment I wasn't angry anymore... Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

[After Ted lands the Goliath National Bank building design job]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: Now only my love life's a disaster!

[At a staff meeting with Marshall presiding over]
Marshall: Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract...
Bilson: Hey Eriksen, when did you join AC/DC? [points to Marshall's cut-up pants]
Marshall: [scoffs] Can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract...
Blauman: Hey Eriksen. I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! [colleagues laugh]
Barney: Yeah, Eriksen, please sir, can I have some more...pants? [colleagues laugh harder]

[Barney confronts Matthew Panning over the 200-women dare, even though he screwed up the count.]
Matthew Panning: So Barney, great to hear from you after all this time, what's going on?
Barney: I've had sex with 200 women! [shows the list]
Matthew: [sees list] Good God, that's way too many. I mean, that's just gross! You sought counseling for sex addiction? Because you are a prime candidate.
Barney: Oh, have you sought counseling for I-win-you-lose? Yeah. Suddenly, those hundred girls you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.
Matthew: Hundred girls? Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied!
Barney: Sure you did.
Matthew: I was 12, of course I was lying. I didn't have a pet Ewok either.
Barney: Sure you didn't.
Matthew: Your whole adult life is based on something I lied about when I was 12?
Barney: Jealous?
Matthew: [exasperated with Barney's response] I gotta go pick up my kids at school. Sounds like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. [leaves]
Barney: I'm awesome. [tears up list] Okay, 200. Now what? [looks at Robin]

[Barney is holding a casting call for a little boy to play his son]
Woman: You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part!
Barney: Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. [over his shoulder] Bring in the four o'clocks!

[Barney just discovered he did not sire a baby with his latest sexual conquest and tells Marshall about it]
Barney: Marshall, great news - I'm not a father.
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy. [Shakes Barney's hand]
Barney: I know, this is the happiest moment of my life! Marshall, the way I feel about not having kids... I never knew I could love something this much. That's why, I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not A Father's Day"!
Marshall: Wow, you're creating a holiday.
Barney: Why not? Everyone else gets a day - mothers, fathers, Bastille's...why can't there be a day for those who are single and like it that way?
Marshall: Now you just sound like a fat girl at Valentine's Day.

[Barney sings sexual versions of Christmas songs whenever Ted receives a Christmas greeting card from his sister]
Barney: [on first card, Christmas 2005, to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, and we'll go all the way...
[on second card, Christmas 2006, to the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'] I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked...and down on all fours! [gets ribbed by Ted]
[on third card, Christmas 2007, to the tune of 'The Dreidel Song'] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play - Everybody! Sister, sister, sister...

[Barney's just been given a speeding ticket]
NJ Policewoman: Get out of the car.
Barney: [in a suave voice] Why, am I under arrest?
NJ Policewoman: No, [takes off helmet and unzips uniform blouse] you're about to be under me. [Barney looks at camera and gives a double thumbs-up]

[Karen just saw Robin's earrings]
Karen: Are those real diamond earrings?
Robin: Yes, they are. Thank you. [smiles]
Karen: I didn't say I like them.
Robin: Well, I got a great deal on them.
Karen: Cool. I'm sure the exploited diamond miners of Sierra Leone would give you a high five if they still have their fingers. [changes to happy tone] but they're really pretty.

[last words of the season]
Future Ted: That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.
Season 5

[Lily just confessed to Ted the truth about engineering his breakups, especially that with Robin, which turned out to be accidental]
Robin: Oh my God!
Ted: Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!
Lily: Ted I...
Ted: I don't want to hear it..
Barney: [cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down for a minute! I only have one question: [Turns to Marshall, asking about the nightshirts they are wearing] How do these bad boys feel in bed?
Marshall: Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]
Robin: So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?
Lily: OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.
Robin: You don't even have to say that. [Hugs Lily]
Ted: Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18, but that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with about who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]

[Marshall and Lily are making out on the couch when a pajama-clad Robin sits down and munches ice cream with beer]
Marshall: So Robin, how's the job and apartment search going?
Robin: [sarcastic] Oh you didn't hear? I'm a lead anchor on CNN and I've got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold! Get your head out of your ass, Marshall!

[Marshall brings Robin to a Minnesota-themed bar, the Walleye Saloon]
Robin: [Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?
Marshall: That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!
Bud: [overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?
Marshall: Yeah.
Bud: Damn! [slams fist on table as well]