April: I'm rich! The old battle-axe was afraid I'd go to the Lima Times, so she shut me up to the tune of two million dollars! So I'm sobering up, and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will. I haven't had a drink in forty-five minutes! I'm going to take my hush money, and I'm gonna mount the first-ever, all-white production of "The Wiz!"

Artie as Santana: [to Tina as Rachel] Oh, hey there, Hobbit. Can't wait to hear your solo in glee club today. Hope you don't choke like you did in your NYADA audition. [walks away]
Will: We've got one last week to come together and shake things up. If there's anyone here who is not up to trying and working their butts off, you should just get up right now and leave.

Artie [to Tina who is in non-Goth clothes] It's so weird.
Finn: This so isn't you.
Tina: I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.
Will: Tina, are there any other looks you can try?
Santana: Biker chick?
Finn: Cowgirl?
Mercedes: Hoodrat.
Quinn: Computer programmer?
Brittany: Cross-country skier.
Puck: Catholic schoolgirl?
Brittany: Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.

Artie: [About Tina] She dumped me for Mike Chang. They fell in love over the summer at...Asian Camp. They were counselors, in charge of teaching all those tech-savvy Asian kids about the arts.
Finn: So, what did Tina say when she broke up with you?
Tina: [In Artie's flashback] I think you're great, Artie, but you're a terrible boyfriend. You ignored me for weeks this summer!
Artie: I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman!
Tina: And then when we did get together, all you wanted to do was watch Coming Home over and over. Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs.

Artie: [Singing] Isn't she pretty? [Sam, Puck, Finn and Mike enter playing guitars and drums]
Brittany: Ooooh My God!!

Artie: [wheels into the choir room covered in slushie] It was awful.
Finn: [furious] That's it! Screw rehearsal! This ends here and now!

Artie: Am I about to lose my virginity?
Brittany: Before our duet, we're gonna do it.

Artie: Brittany still believes in Santa Claus.
Mercedes: (holds in a laugh) You cannot be serious.
Sam: Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern.
Quinn: She's gonna find out sooner or later.
Rachel: (looking at Finn)
Finn: (decorating the tree)
Rachel: Do you mind, um, meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at four?
Finn: Sure.
Lauren: Someone's gotta break the news to her.
Puck: Uh uh. Not me. I mean I'm cruel and all but that's just hardcore.
Artie: That's my point. Hear me out. Remember how excited you get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little longer?
Mike: How?
Artie: I got it all figured out.
(Everyone looks at Brittany)

Artie: God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?
Brittany: [shocked and begins to cry] You were the only person in school who didn't call me that.

Artie: Hey girl!
Tina: [stops short and turns Artie's wheelchair around to face her]: My eyes? Are up here! I am a person with feelings! Get out of my grill! I am a powerful woman, and my growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality! [stomps away]

Artie: I brought some Bloody Marys, y'all.
Mercedes: Are you kidding? The last thing I want to do is drink.
Artie: It will help with your hangover. That's what Bloody Marys are for. Hair of the dog that done bit your ass.

Artie: I got like tingles where it's only 50/50 for tingling

Artie: I so want to give you a standing ovation right now.

Artie: I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and then shot it.

Artie: I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.
Santana: There you go, blue tooth.
Brittany: I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr Pepper was a dentist.