Basil: Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
Mrs Richards: What?
Basil: [shouting] A hearing aid!
Mrs Richards: Yes I do have a hearing aid!
Basil: Would you like me to get it mended?
Mrs Richards: Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
Basil: No it isn't!
Mrs Richards: I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
Basil: Why not?
Mrs Richards: The battery runs out. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
Basil: [whispering] 60% if you turn it on.
Mrs Richards: What?!
Basil: My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
Mrs Richards: I will.
Basil: (muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...
[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]

Basil: Otherwise, ok?

Basil: Spoons, eh?
Mr. Hutchinson: Sorry?
Basil: SP-THTHTHTHTH-OONS!
Mr. Hutchinson: I beg your pardon?
Basil: I understand you're in the spoon trade.
Mr. Hutchinson: Oh, yes. Yes.
Basil: Fascinating. How very absorbing for you.
Mr. Hutchinson: Well...
Basil: So much more interesting than being a HOTEL INSPECTOR!!
Mr. Hutchinson: Y'What...?

Basil: Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. [She does so] Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out. [She does so] Sybil, you cannot open that case, I forbid it. [She does so]

Basil: This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

Basil: You snobs!!! You stupid, Stuck up, Toffee-Nosed, Half-Witted, Upper Class piles of ... Pus!!!

Basil: [To Sir Richard and Lady Morris] Where are you going?
Sir Richard: We're leaving!
Basil: Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
Sir Richard: I've never been in such a place in my life! [They drive away]

Dr Price: You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
Basil: Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

Manuel: (pretending to talk to someone down the phone) Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

Manuel: I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
Basil: Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

Miss Tibbs and Gatsby: Good afternoon.
Mrs Richards: First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. [goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]
Miss Tibbs and Gatsby: Oohh
Miss Gatsby: Would you like some of ours?
Miss Tibbs: We keep an extra supply
Miss Gatsby: Yes, would you like some of ours?
[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]

Mr. Carnegie: [Public Health Inspector]... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

Mr. Hamilton: Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
Basil: [puzzled] A wal....
Mr. Hamilton: Waldorf Salad.
Basil: I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

Mr. Hamilton: What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
Major Gowen [angrily]: No! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

Mr. Hutchinson: OH NO! come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
Manuel:It's nice!
Mr. Hutchinson: I don't want the bloody thing now take it back!
Basil: Here, give it to me.
Mr. Hutchinson: I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
Basil: There, I've torn it up you'll never see it again!.