Lester: [under the effects of brainwashing] Morgan Grimes is the kindest, warmest, most understanding human being I've ever known in my life.

Lester: I'm just gonna say it: I need a woman. It's been far too long, Jeffrey. A man has needs.
Jeff: So what's the plan?
Lester: I will be hitting on all the applicable women in Electronics, DVDs, and all around the entrances, and the emergency exits.
Jeff: You're leaving me Home Appliances? It's full of lumpy housewives. My favorite.
Lester: You're welcome.

Lester: Jeffrey, you blew the amp. Don't you know it's not the size of the instrument that matters, but how much and how long and how often your mother catches you playing?

Lester: Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this--I don't really--but Morgan is in, a, umm...a very bad place.
Anna: Oh, my God, is he okay?
Jeff: No. He's focused, responsible, driven. Pains me to see a man end up like that.
Lester: It's pathetic.

Morgan: [to Big Mike] Well, it's just a little unusual that you call me before I even had time to screw anything up.

Morgan: [to Carina] Just because you're a beautiful woman that I would give up a non-vital organ to make love to doesn't give you the right to show up with this clown and humiliate me in front of my friends.

Morgan: Anything you want to tell me about?
Chuck: No. Anything you want to ask me about?
Morgan: No.
Chuck: Okay, good talk!
Morgan: One of our best!

Morgan: Carina is not just some girl. She's basically a Swedish supermodel. The country's greatest export since Björn Borg.
Jeff: People mistake him for me all the time.

Morgan: I cannot believe I'm saying this, but you're fired.
Chuck: What? You're firing me from the Buy More?
Morgan: Buy More? No. Are you kidding me? You're the best Nerd Herder we have. I need you here. I'm firing you as my best friend!

Morgan: I talked to Captain Awesome.
Casey: And?
Morgan: If he'd have me, I'd let him.

Morgan: If you ask me, this whole G man gig is starting to be a real snore. When are we going to hit on some terrorists?
Casey: Whatever you think you know about being a spy. You're wrong.
Morgan: Oww.
Casey: You're a child, your a liability to the team and you're not doing anything until you've been properly trained. Understood.
Morgan: Wait a minute, does that mean?
Casey: I don't believe I'm going to say this.
Morgan: I'm going to Langley.
Casey: Your not going anywhere. Jackass. I can teach you all you need to know right here in the store. C'mon.

Morgan: Let's cut the man some slack, he's got the world's fate resting in his hands.
Casey: Oh, I'd say he's got something else resting in his hands.
Morgan: What do you mean?
Casey: Chuck's off the grid with Walker. Do the math Grimes.
[Morgan stares blankly]
Casey: He's going to need a walker when Walker's through with him.
[Morgan still doesn't understand]
Casey: They're having intercourse you idiot.

Morgan: Please tell me that Chuck is joking about them sending me to boot camp. They're going to make me shave my beard.
Casey: Relax. You passed.
Morgan: Huh? I failed every test.
Casey: Yes flying colors. You have got to be the hands down, bar none the worst candidate I've ever trained. But you got one thing going for you. You got balls.
Morgan: I do?
Casey: How many marines do you know go up against a Bengal tiger unarmed? You have to be a complete idiot.
Morgan: Well that's the thing. That's uh, that's me in a nutshell..

Morgan: So if Sarah is your handler, does that make her your beard? In other words, like.. Is your whole relationship a fake? Because, buddy, that's just awful.
Chuck: Why, because we never had sex?
Morgan: No, I just felt like, having to be... You never had sex with that girl? That's not... No, no, it's awful you had to pretend to be in a relationship with somebody you clearly love.
Chuck: Sarah and I are over, you know.
Morgan: No you're not. You're a good liar, Chuck, but you're not that good, all right? You lied to me for three years but I always knew. You loved that girl. I mean, I saw the way you looked at her. We all did. It's okay, you don't have to deny it. You tell me you don't love Sarah.
Chuck: You know what, you're right buddy! I do love Sarah. I kept telling myself that I didn't. That I wouldn't, I couldn't but I do.... Morgan , you have no idea how badly I needed to get this off my chest. Thank You.

Morgan: We know exactly what you look like, Shaw. Six foot two, 220 raven-black hair. Very attractive.