[The class is discussing 'The Merchant of Venice'.]
Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?
Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him.
Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.

[The demon Gachnar slowly emerges from the pentacle in the floor... and is revealed to be just six inches tall.]
Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: [looks down mockingly at Gachnar] Big overture, little show.
Gachnar: [in a squeaky voice]: I am the Dark Lord of Nightmares! The Bringer of Terror! Tremble before me! Fear me!
Willow: He... he's so cute!
Gachnar: Tremble!
[Xander pokes a finger at the tiny demon, speaking to it as if to a puppy.]
Xander: Who's a little fear demon? Come on! Who's a little fear demon?
Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why, can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it's just... tacky.

[The gang are discussing who should approach Faith.]
Xander: She was fighting those apocalypse demon things and I helped out... gave her a ride home.
Buffy: And you guys talked?
Xander: Not extensively, no.
Buffy: Then why would you... oh!
Giles: Oh!
Willow: I don't need to say "oh", I got it before. They slept together.

[The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]
Willow: Right. It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
Xander: It's kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
Buffy: I'm telling you I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where! I mean, it's like...
Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?
Giles: It's, ah, the earthquake... that symbol... yes.
Buffy: I told you. I-I said "end of the world", and you're like "poo-poo, southern California, poo-poo"!
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.

[The Judge has captured both Buffy and Angel.]
Angel: Leave her alone!
Spike: That'll work. Now say pretty please.
Angel: Take me instead.
Spike: Apparently, you're not familiar with the concept. There is no instead, only firsts and seconds.
Drusilla: And if you go first, you don't get to watch the Slayer die.

[The scene opens with a Masterpiece Theatre-like setting, with Andrew reading a book.]
Andrew: Oh, hello there, gentle viewers.
[He closes the book.]
Andrew: You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery -- don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call... Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.

[The Scoobies are burning R.J.'s enchanted jacket in Buffy's fireplace.]
Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on a little bit?
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

[The women are threatening one another with what they're each going to do to win R.J.'s love]
Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman! [Willow makes a face conveying "And?"] And he... isn't?!
Willow: This isn't about his physical presence! It's about his heart.
Anya: His physical presence has a penis!
Willow: I can work around it!

[Thinking he's alone, Xander discovers a bomb in basement of the school]
Xander: [to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
[Jack, leader of the zombie gang, knocks him to the floor]
Jack: And it just got harder.
Xander: I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed.
Jack: Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.
Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?
[Jack looks at the bomb's clock, then the door, then Xander.]
Xander: I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances.
Jack: Then you'll die, too.
Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?
Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.
Jack: Are you?
Xander: [tired smile] I like the quiet.

[To cast a spell, Tara assumes the lotus position]
Tara: I know how to help Willow and Xander.
Anya: [looking at Tara quizzically] Yoga?

[To the Potential Slayers.]
Buffy: We need to stick together, okay? We're stronger that way. We cannot afford to fall apart now.
Andrew: She's right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn't put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?
Buffy: Don't help me.

[Vamp Willow turns Willow around and looks her up and down, particularly noticing her pink sweater.]
Vamp Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
Willow: What do I want with you? Uh...
Vamp Willow: Your little school friend Anya said that you're the one that brought me here. She said that you could get me back to my world.
Willow: Oh. Oh! Oops!
Vamp Willow: But I don't know...I kinda like the idea of the two of us.
[She turns Willow around again, caressing her shoulders.
Vamp Willow: We could be quite a team, if you came around to my way of thinking.
Willow: Would that mean we have to snuggle?
[Vamp Willow brushes Willow's hair away from her neck.]
Vamp Willow: What do you say?
[She gives Willow's neck an eager, lengthy lick. Willow shudders with loathing and grimaces at the feeling.]
Vamp Willow: Wanna be bad?
Willow: This just can't get more disturbing.
[Vamp Willow growls horribly with desire and bares her teeth behind Willow's neck. Willow freaks out and whirls around, stepping back and away from her.]
Willow: Ack! Ew! No more! You're really starting to freak me out!

[Vampires are terrorizing The Bronze, including a sired Jesse McNally]
Xander: We've gotta get in there before Jesse does something stupider than usual.
Giles: Listen to me... Jesse is dead. You have to remember that when you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that killed him.

[When Buffy and Riley are attacked by a vampire-demon tag-team.]
Buffy: Okay, you get Fangs, I'll get Horny. I mean...

[Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework]
Buffy: Homework.
Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.