Xander: How do you make cereal?
Buffy: I put the box next to the milk. I saw it on the food channel.
Xander: So, how are you doing?
Buffy: My sister's about to go to the same school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what may come out of there. So peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.

Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff- never mind.

Xander: I have to get to work
Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.

Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
Buffy: Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with, and... I-I do think she cared about you.
Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
Buffy: She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
Buffy: I had you to bring me back.

Xander: I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star.
Willow: Xander, that's not the North Star, it's an airplane.

Xander: I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? [Buffy looks away] You're in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind?
Cordelia: What?!?
Xander: [to Cordelia] Not 'vampire' ... [to Buffy] How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger! Then I... hide until it goes away.

Xander: I might need a parrot.
Willow: Huh?
Xander: Well, to go with the eyepatch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
Willow: Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.
Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.

Xander: I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after a-
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander: I'm a conquistador.
Joyce: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
Xander: I'm a comfortador also.

Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space... I did not just say that.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Xander: I'll tell you what it is is. It's the frickin' doctors. I mean, they just let her out, clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull, here's a band aid, next. They should have checked her over, kept her in. We don't got enough monsters in this town, the doctors gotta help them out?
Willow: Xander, it just happened.
Xander: [Nearly crying] Things don't happen. I mean they don't just happen. Somebody's gotta...

Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the ... fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"
Buffy: Yeah. There's just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It'll get him killed.

Xander: I've been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She's stopped everything that's ever come up against her. [Buffy and Faith walk in] She's laid down her life --- literally --- to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she's still standing. You're scared? That's smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy's all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle... I've seen her heart, and this time, not literally. And I'm telling you, right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it.
Faith: Damn. I never knew you were that cool.
Buffy: Well, you always were a little slow.

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.