Harvey: I know I'm old-fashioned, but am I a racist?
Marla: Yes, Harvey, you are an old-fashioned racist.

Harvey: It's Harry.
Lauren: Harvey!
Harvey: You two are at odds.
Lauren: We are not at odds.
Harvey: Call me crazy then.
Lauren: Well, gee, I'd be the first to do that, wouldn't I?
Harvey: That was hurtful.

Harvey: Steven.
Steven: What?
Harvey: I resign.
Steven: Why?
Harvey: I'm a fossil.
Harry: You're just figuring that out?
Steven: Harry!

Harvey: The only reason people study Shakespeare is so they know Shakespeare, so they can walk around pretending that they're smarter then everybody else. It's arrogant. You want to be arrogant snobs, move to England, they love Shakespeare there. It's a nation full of arrogant sex-depraved perverts.

Isaac: I admit I was wrong.
Scott: In home-schooling your son?
Isaac: In thinking you couldn't possibly become a bigger ass. It seems I've never been more mistaken.
Scott: Your son does not attend Winslow High. Accordingly, he may not participate in Friday's commencement proceedings.
Isaac: I'll try not leave a footprint as I go over your head. I know how you are about your hair.
Season 2

Jamaal: You know, Mr. Senate? I'm gonna tell you this because I feel like we have a relationship and we can be honest and stuff.
Harry: Okay.
Jamaal: You really shouldn't try to tell jokes. You're not funny.
Harry: All right.

Jamal Crenshaw: These history books don't talk about Puerto Rico. Why is that?
Harry Senate: Cause we have you to talk about it.

Joey: (to Lauren) You know, I suddenly remember why I left you. I was always afraid that one day you'd fall off that soapbox of yours and land on me.

Kevin Riley: [discussing Louisa Fenn's inviting Buttle out on a date] But do you want to go out with her?
Milton Buttle: She's female. She's breathing. I'm going through a non-picky phase.

Kevin Riley: Think before you speak, Harvey.
Marla Hendricks: Then he'd be mute.

Kevin: (reciting his graduation speech) The truth is, I don't have any big message. I don't even have any dreams. A lot of my classmates, the same thing, no dreams. I think one reason for that, the idea of becoming adults, it isn't something we look forward to. We look around, we see our parents, our coaches, our teachers.... Who'd want to be them? Our parents mainly think about money, our coaches mainly think about winning, and our teachers... most of you look half-dead every day. Don't get me wrong, I admire anybody who can go to a place day after day after day tryin' to teach a bunch of us. But a lot of you are disillusioned, you don't get enough respect. Your days are too long, your checks are too small, and you get a little more dead with each passing day. And we see that, making us just a little more afraid day by day. Afraid of the future. And we got no dreams. The truth is, today's kids are disadvantaged. We didn't get to grow up with any Martin Luther Kings or Bobby Kennedys. They didn't make any Jackie Robinsons in our generation. Today's heroes, they're not presidents. Proud parents today say any kid might grow up to be Alan Greenspan. And we got no dreams. Despite all this, I'm standing up here to say there are heroes among us. Sometimes they're parents, sometimes they're classmates, like Christine Banks or Lisa Grier. Sometimes they're teachers. With me, Harvey Lipschultz. He's a bigot, but he never let me forget every day that I could be something. He took an interest in me. And Mr. Senate? He doesn't know it but he saved my life. There's been a few times I thought about just driving over that center line, but then he started the suicide club and I was too proud to join it. But just knowin' that there were other kids out there struggling with some of the same stuff I was... it helped me get by. Mr. Harper, who's here fightin' for us every day, with eyes that never go dead. When I look at him, I want to be a principal. I guess my big message for today is, heroes are in the grass sometimes. They're not always on billboards and magazine covers. You've gotta look for 'em, even when they stand right in front of you. So, do that. Let's live our lives tryin' to do that. Spot 'em, point 'em out to your kids. Maybe there's dreams out there too. And now, I'll ask all of you to applaud because I'm finished.

Lauren Davis: [on counseling freshmen on birth control] I started preaching abstinence. I'm telling you I felt the habit growing on my head as the words left my mouth.

Lauren Davis: I wanna go dancing. Women have sex with men to go dancing.
Harry Senate: Men go dancing with women to have sex and we've already done that. So why do we need to go dancing?

Lauren Davis: Three siblings. Two are doctors, the other's an investment banker. And to my parents, I'm the one who didn't make anything of herself. I can still hear my father's words: "What a waste, Lauren. You are so smart. You could actually be somebody." Something we battle every day is disrespect. We get it from the kids because it comes from the parents. And look at what we make!
Steven Harper: You know what your problem is, Lauren? You don't have any idea how powerful you are. Things you say in that classroom some of those kids are going to remember fifty years from now, even if you've forgotten by the sound of the next bell. Do you like being a teacher?
Lauren Davis: I love it.
Steven Harper: Then what are you complaining about?

Lauren: Do you really think that it is appropriate to motivate your students with the message that the smart kids get the pretty girls?
Jenna: I never said that.
Lauren: Oh.
Jenna: What I said is, the smart kids get the girls with the good asses.
Lauren: Oh.