Michael: I think they are too young to get involved that seriously.
Rev. Veal: My wife and I were about the same age when we got engaged.
Michael: [Glancing at the reverend's wife] Well, yeah, you've gotta lock that down.

Michael: I thought Buster had everything under control. I thought you've been going in to the office.
Buster: Yes, and I've enjoyed that. It's just that I was constantly being called to the phone, or I was asked a question, or I was being resuscitated and it was really hard to get a good work flow going.

Michael: I'm a saint, you know. I'm a living saint, and I get absolutely nothing out of it.
Lindsay: Well, you get a false feeling of superiority
Michael: That is nice, but this time it's not enough.

Michael: I'm not a one-night stand kinda guy, I don't like lying to women.
Gob: These are lawyers. That's Latin for liar.

Michael: Lindsay, new outfit?
Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.
Michael: You got a price tag. Right there.
Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me. And where did you get that outfit?
Lindsay: Old thing got it for me.

Michael: Mom, after all these years, God's not going to take a call from you.

Michael: My mom is very stressed out, and uh, she needs something that I can't give her, um... maybe a little afternoon delight?
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Delight, a strand famous for slowing behavior.
Oscar: Well, sure, the question is: Which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael: I don't need any details.
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie.
Michael: Hey!

Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they're going to have to put a halt on the company's expense account. [The others gasp.] Interesting. I would've expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."

Michael: She's sweet. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's special.
[Flashback]
Narrator: She was special.
Rita: Are houses terribly hard to make?
Michael: Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.
Narrator: But she wasn't smart...
Rita: Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land.
Narrator: ...for Rita had only mentally progressed...
Rita: On the ocean.
Narrator: ...to the level of a first grader.
Rita: There's no land on the ocean.
Narrator: Michael might have noticed her disability if it had not been masked by her English accent.
Michael: [pause] You are brilliant.
Narrator: Yeah. She wasn't.

Michael: Since when are you against leather?
Maeby: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay: Well, I'm not against the insides. I mean, people need meat to survive.
Michael: You are aware they don't remove it from the cow surgically, right?

Michael: So then, he's more popular than George Michael?
Maeby: Well, that's like comparing apples and some fruit nobody's ever heard of.

Michael: Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.
Lucille: And a lot of love.
Michael: More lies.
Season 2

Michael: Tell you what. I'm going to give you the cash, but in return, I get to ask you for a favor sometime.
Gob: My gut is telling me no. But my gut is also very hungry.

Michael: That's the point, Dad. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us because someone wanted a boyfriend.
Tobias: Well, don't blame me!
Michael: I was talking to Lindsay, actually, but he was clearly turned off to the both of you.

Michael: We have a private eye, huh?
Lucille: Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.
Michael: Well, he can't be very good then.